The Crew - Miss Fabulous, Lil Bro, Big Sis and Mr. Man

Monday, June 1, 2009

She's Back ...

This is day 10 with Magic Med back on board, and in harmony with it's companion - med #2. So far so good! Miss M rejoined us today after a weekend at Grandma's. As I said before it has been months, almost a year, since she has been there or anywhere. Before she would behave great while there but once she got back home she would give us heck. I really am unsure what the true reason was that this always happened. Some would say that transitions are difficult for Miss M, and for sure they are. Some would say that she felt threatened by the separation from us no matter how short it was. Maybe one day Miss M will be all grown up and healed and she will say "what was going on was blah blah blah." Until then I just report it, I don't claim to understand it.

This time was different. She was happy to see everyone. We stopped for ice cream on the ride home and the kids swam in the pool when we got home. Then bath and dinner. She and Carter were tight as best buds. There were hugs and "I missed you" and "I missed you too." ??? Who were these kids? At one point I looked at Nan and said "Who is this?" and "I hope she stays." Nan said, "Me too."

I hope it is the med regiment and maturity and moving forward and healing ...

So why then did I feel this overwhelming sadness when she returned? I love her. Missed her. And yet the break from our reality was so pleasant, so relaxing. All I can think is that the fear of what may be around the corner is overwhelming no matter how hard I try to keep that from being true. And it breaks my heart that we, her family, seem to get the worst of her.

Do feel that she is attached at this point in time? I do. Is her attachment normal like the other 3 kids? No. Will it ever be? I am not sure. Is it better than it used to be? Yes.

I often think of those who were raised during the depression. Our grandparents. They are forever changed from that experience. You can't convince them that all is well, not totally. They know what it is like to be hungry, to go without what you truly need.

I remember one grandparent who stocked her shed FULL of toilet paper when she heard that the truckers were going on strike. She darn sure was NOT going without TP no matter how bad things were going to get. We were all at a loss but she had been to a place that we never have, deprivation.

Another grandparent will eat an ecoli infested left over before she will let us throw it out. I have to make sure the fridge is cleaned out before she gets here or be prepared for a stomach pumping.

Their experiences changed how they see the world even though they have had many more years getting everything they needed and more. I think that Miss M is the same. She knows she is loved and valued here. That we are her family. But deep down inside of her there is more than a fear it's an awareness that it can all be taken away. How do you convince someone that Mama's always come back when in fact she knows that they don't? Time and consistently lovingly meeting her needs over and over again. That's all we know to do.

On top of this Miss M has a brain that just doesn't function properly on it's own, at this time. She requires these meds to help her keep it together and that is one shaky tight rope that we walk with her. But for now we will enjoy the balance and wait to see what tomorrow brings us.

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