Dr. Psychiatrist Appointment

The appointment went well.  For two years Miss Fabulous basically had volunteer mute ism with the doctor.  Now she is comfortable to talk with him and play in the room with her siblings with out giving much attention to him or what we are talking about.  Progress.

I typed up a document telling what I had observed in the classroom.  Dr. felt that we had handled the situation very well and to leave it at that.  It needed to be addressed, it was a addressed with clear limits set, and let's not feed more attention into it than we have to.

In terms of bringing it to the schools attention Dr. felt that we should not.  If they ever bring it to our attention we have a record made of the issue with her psychiatrist and her behavior therapist and since this has been an on going issue since she came home to us 5 years ago there is an on going record of the behavior.

Behavior therapist asked about counseling and Dr. Psychiatrist does not feel it is necessary at this time.  He feels that she is getting appropriate help at home and making outstanding progress.  She is bipolar and some of these behaviors are simply going to be a problem for her at various times in her cycling and as she matures she needs to learn best how to handle the behaviors, we are appropriately guiding her in that way.

Dr. Psychiatrist nudged up her meds by a quarter ml.  She had grown and inch and a half and gained 4 pounds since the last time her meds were nudged up.

Miss had a big ugly rage Saturday over seemingly nothing.  She did not get to go to the dog park with everyone else because of it and she earned staying at home and helping to clean the patio to do something nice for the family that she mistreated.  She did very well the rest of the day.

Thoughts?

Just blogging in here.  Things have been up and down lately.  September is not an easy month for Miss Fabulous and never has been.  We actually took custody of her in the month of September (5 years ago) and I saw behavior from her that I had not observed before that time (during other visits) including a weird unprovoked tantrum.  The first of many.

We have an appointment with Dr. Psychiatrist tomorrow and I will be discussing with him behavior that I observed Miss engaged in in the classroom.  It was not appropriate and yet the teacher and students were not aware of what was going on.  When she came home that day I told her I had passed by her classroom while I was there doing some volunteer work for another teacher.  I said that I had seen her doing something that was not okay to do at school and I asked her what that behavior was.  She told me exactly what I had seen and more, not good.

I have already discussed the situation with the behavior therapist and got his input on it.  Tomorrow we will talk to Dr. Psychiatrist and see what he advises.  A parent never gets used to dealing with this stuff.

As I said to the behavior therapist my fear is that Miss is a loaded gun.  Her view point of right and wrong is  'what are the odds of getting caught'.  He agreed.

If you have any thoughts or suggestions bring it on!  Thanks in advance!

It's Like Pulling Teeth

Or at least having a crown put on one.  This week Lil Bro had to have a crown put on a baby tooth.  I was relieved to hear that this tooth was a product of poor formation in the womb and not poor dental habits at my house.  All his other teeth were just fine.  Now he has a yucky silver tooth in the back of his mouth and I have to say how cool it is and what a great job he did.  The truth?

I hate that darn thing and I hate that when a person sees metal in a 4 year old's mouth we naturally think "poor dental care" which is a form of "poor care".  But I'll just have to get over that one.

The truth is that Lil Bro did not do well at all but if the meds they gave him did their job he has no memory of it.  The drug combo that they give him makes him "drunk".  We now know that he is a mean drunk and so we hope he never takes up that habit.  In fact he was very much like Miss Fabulous when she is not stable on her bipolar meds.  It reminded me how much of what she deals with is chemical in nature. 

Miss is doing well at school although she hates the way her new class runs.  There is a lot of independent work because the teacher is handling both 2nd and 3rd grade classes.  Miss does not like independent work but she is handling it just fine.  Her work looks better than ever.  Her teacher "loves having her in class" her behavior is classified as roll model.  She comes home and rages over homework and bathtime.

We are working with her behavior therapist in helping Miss to connect the two worlds.  If you can be a roll model at school you can certainly keep yourself from raging at home.

It is very much like the guy who is charming and well liked at the office but comes home and beats the snot out of his wife for burning the potatoes.  Not good. 

So we are working on it and yeah it's a little like pulling teeth or at least dealing with a drunk 4 year old who is having a crown put on.

September - Me No Likey

September is just not her month.  Miss Fabulous has been a moody little person these days.  She had another big rage but was able to keep herself from getting violent toward anyone else, so that is a plus.  The long weekend was in deed longgggggggggggg.  But we made it through.

She struggles to get along with any of us right now.  Homework is not so fun at the moment but we are moving forward.  Her reading ability seems to be improving.  Her working independently on homework is improving because Mama got a clue with the evaluation and so has the confidence to stick with it.

I think also she has a teacher who is actually looking to teach and not mother, that is a very good thing.

Mr. Man is doing well overall but not so much in the homework department.  He too is a challenge in that area at the moment.

My big girl who is schooling at home is doing awesome.  She had become a bit lazy on the school front and was starting to give Mom a hard time.  Mom laid down the law and she got back with the program and is working more independent than ever.  Love having her here at home with me!

Lil Bro is still a sweet talkin' heart breaker who is still lovin' Banana school.  He went to a new dentist today and she was awesome and totally made it a fun experience.  He goes back next week for some dental work.  He has one bad tooth that is due to a condition of how the tooth formed in the womb.  But she will be "drunk" for the procedure and we hope that he is a happy sleepy drunk and not a mean belligerent drunk.  At any rate the med combo used is safe, reversible if he has any problems and promotes a temporary 45 minute amnesia so he will not remember anything and we get to tell him how great he did even if he didn't and hey looky there your tooth is all better now.

I have less time to keep up with what's what in bloggyland because of the schooling at home but you are always in my thoughts!

Sliding Into September With A Crash (updated)

Given the goings on of the last few weeks with Miss we pretty much figured we were headed toward September Slides as usual.  September and March are not our best months, which I came to learn is not uncommon for those battling bipolar disorder.  The moods they are a swingin'.

Miss Fabulous had a yuck-o rage Saturday.  We knew she was off and we did what we could to help her through the day.  We kept her busy.  But as the afternoon arrived she wanted to go in the pool and I had to say no because the pool is yucky at the moment and we are working on it with chemicals, STRIKE ONE.  Moments later she and Big Sis headed off to play ponies.  They had all afternoon together and Mr. wanted to join the game and it was time to let him join because they had already had plenty of time with out him, STRIKE TWO.  Not long after I realized that one kid had not brushed their teeth and direct that child to brush.  Then I realized that likely no kids had brushed their teeth.  I took an accounting and sure enough everyone needed to brush, STRIKE THREE.  Miss no likey that directive!  She did not rage at this point but decided that she would not floss and use rinse as her way to control the situation.  I knew it but I wasn't going to address it I was just going to make sure that she flossed and rinsed at bedtime and if she raged then, so be it.  But you got to love siblings because they were not going to let this go and they called her out on it and instead of her giving me a moment to explain that it would be fine for her to floss and rinse next time, STRIKE FOUR and there she blows!

This time it was, "I hate you big Mommy!"  It was with such hatred that she screamed those words but I still preferred that to "You aren't my real Mom!"  I am guessing that birth mom is little Mommy?  I dunno.

Any who the whole scene was ugly and Dad did a great job handling it.  I loaded Nan and the other kids up and took them out of the house for ice cream.  The whole thing terrifies Mr. Man, in the past he was a main target for physical abuse.  Lil Bro takes it all in and then uses those learned skills when he is angry about something, that's no good.  And it is disruptive to everyone so the few times Miss has raged I have removed the others from the house.

At any rate I think September will be memorable.

P.S. I forgot to mention that after the information we have received via the psychological evaluation that was done for Miss we see the need for her to follow through.  A big part of the rage yesterday was because she did not want to include Mr. in playtime.  So after we got back home from our ice cream outing and she was all calmed down from her rage Mom announced that it was Mr. and Miss play date time.  Big Sis and Lil Bro were excused to go and watch a movie in another room and Mr. and Miss got to choose what they wanted to play together.  At first Mr. was not cooperating either because he had moved on to something else, too bad so sad.  That Mama says it is time to have fun so lets get to it.  After about 15 minutes I announced that they had done a great job with the play date and that I was really proud.  They asked to keep playing together, progress!  I reminded them that it is really special that they are the same age and that they are both second graders.  They have a lot in common and they should be really good friends.  Blank faces that seemed to be hearing wank wank wanka coming out of my mouth but at any rate it was still progress!

A C challenge, what day is this?

Today was an improvement over yesterday for sure.  Not easy but the dogs never ran for cover!  Miss M seems to be having some bipolar cycling going on.  Her symptoms are so reduced with her meds that it isn't as easy to pick on the signals anymore but this evening she was playing with Big Sis and doing well and so I missed her evening meds by 30 minutes.  Big Sis came to report that all was going well and then all the sudden Miss M became hyper and smacked her out of no where and then throw something at her out of no where.  We had hit the happy hyper hour without our meds in place.

I had the still happy hyper Miss M come with me, gave her the meds, reminded her that she was having trouble calming down because we were a little late on her meds and further reminded her that it was important to calm down because the other side of the happy hyper is the big angries.  Her face became concerned.  I said, "You don't like the big angies cause they are not fun, right?"  She nodded yes.  I had her draw a picture while I fixed dinner.  She does well at her spot at the table with an activity.  She helped with dinner a little bit and with in 20 minutes her meds took affect. 

Even so she still struggled to get to sleep, her appetite is increased, her mood shifts quickly and she has trouble regulating her temperature.  One minutes she has a jacket on because she is freezing and 5 minutes later she is hot to the touch.  These are some of the indicators we have become aware of when she is cycling.  And if those things don't get our attention a day full of rages sure 'nough does!

I did not do a great job counting the hugs today but we got more than 6 in, she was not resistant to them and they were not stiff.

We had 20 minutes of reading time this evening with lots of animation and eye contact.  And we did some one on one time in the store today picking out clothes together.  She enjoyed that for about 10 minutes and then she was ready to go find the rest of the group.

The boys were all over me all day as usual so there is no challenge in cuddling them.

Big Sis is awesome and she and I are getting ready to have our time together right now.  She is a hugger and so there is no challenge with her either.

Miss M is ready to get to camp tomorrow for swimming fun day!

Discovery Health Psych Week, Bipolar Kids

Discovery Health Psych Week, Bipolar Kids

Points of interest, the others all look good too but these are the ones that I have seen:

Chase
Kelsey
Bipolar Mysteries-Teresa
Bipolar Mysteries-Kristen

These kids were all familiar in some way with how their illness affects them and what we deal with here.  Something that I kind of wonder about is that even though I have seen video of other kids, labeled Bipolar and also labeled RAD, rage their rage has never been anything close to what we have dealt with from the Fabulous Miss M.  I'd be interested to hear if other Mom's have noticed the same thing?  Is it simply because these are kids and so there is caution as to what is published or what their parents allow to be published or is my kid the Gold Metal Winner for rages?

Gone Daddy Gone

The Hubs and Big Sis went on a Kayak trip this weekend with another Dad and his son and the son's friend. They had a nice time and now I am so planning a weekend get away with Big Sis!

The little kids did very well this weekend. Mr. and Miss do better when Big Sis is not an option. It seems that they no longer view the other as competition but rather, all there is. Interesting how the dynamics affect how any given child may do with situations and issues at hand.

And ... the med dose increase is most definitely given the Fabulous Miss M her bounce back, back. We had really good progress from Oct. to Jan. with no rage outburst and then Jan. started to turn into Feb. which was heading toward March Madness and the rages made their return to the tune of once or twice a week. Still better than 2 and 3 times in a day but also still not much fun.

I was reading a post on another Mom's blog about kids with RAD who are also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I really appreciated that post and it's info and it definitely supports what we have seen with Miss M.

We were kind of in this weird-o holding pattern regarding attachment progress until we were able to find the right meds to help the mood disorder. The issues themselves that have come from trauma and neglect and and and ... are still there but the things that we are doing to help her actually seem to help her when her brain is functioning at a more normal rate.

She handled Dad and Big Sis not being home this weekend. She was able to express that she didn't like that they were not there and that she missed them. Lil Bro is helping by acting as a tiny theaputic person. He does not like it when Mom leaves even to go to the store. He is smart and has amazing social skills and is able to initiate roll play that helps him work through those feelings. In play with dolls or sometimes a stuffed animal (this weekend it was bunnies) he says,

"Bunny baby sad because Mommy Bunny gone. It okay Baby Bunny, Mommy Bunny always come back.

But I want her and I cry and I miss her.

But Mommy always come back and Daddy Bunny and Nanny Bunny takes care of you. Everybody takes care of you.

Mommy always comes back."

I noticed the dialog coming from Miss M during play was more positive again this weekend. She definitely has picked up some of Lil Bro's self comforting message. I was able to go to the store and come back without her having a meltdown. Progress!

Houston we have reentry.

Our reunification went well Wednesday. It was Mr. and Big Sis who were having issues but we made it through.

Miss really picked up where she had left off, doing better than she had been doing before the ¼ mg dose increase. She was able to communicate verbally to me during our cuddle time that she had missed me and had cried for me once. You no doubt have come to realize that Miss can be somewhat dramatic. Her explanation of how she felt when she cried was pretty darn cute even though it was clearly over the top and a bit of a put on. She said, “I said to myself don’t cry M don’t cry but my heart just break open and I cry.” I don’t care if she was for real or not that is darn cute!

I think she is indeed making good progress with attachment. She is always going to be a person who struggles with a chemical imbalance and the more stable she is the better she is going to do in all areas, maybe.

Many of the trauma memories that affect her, with or without her realizing it, are going to be a challenge for a long time in terms of healing or resolving and putting them to rest.

We are taking her in May for psycho-educational testing at a local university as recommended by her psychiatrist. It’s affordable and because these are students they do a better than average job in terms of being thorough because they are being graded on the work they do. Her IQ, processing issues, learning disabilities and so on all affect her ability to function so knowing more in these areas will help us to help her. Because we are having the testing done we can be confident that the results are accurate and we remain in control of the results and presenting them to the school.

The kids’ interim reports came out today and once again Miss M’s grades had been whited out and changed by hand, again. A N (not demonstrated consistently) was changed to an S (satisfactory) and a U (unsatisfactory) was changed to an N (not demonstrated consistently). In short there are question marks as to why these kind of things keep happening for a child who clearly struggles academically. Having these upcoming test results will hopefully tell us what our little Miss has going on.

Speaking of what’s going on, Miss also picked up right where she left off at school. Aftercare called me today to inform me that Miss had been involved in a situation with her arch nemesis H. H is the little girl who Miss was found to be bullying at the beginning of the year. H has become fed up with Miss being a “Bossy pants” and “meanie”. Miss describes H as either her best friend or as being mean to her. It would seem H is her best friend when she does as she is told and she is mean when she tells the adults on Miss M. In a lot of ways it doesn’t sound all that different then a lot of little girl relationships, accept our Miss is NOT like a lot of other little girls at this school and history shows these ARE areas of concern.  And these are not acceptable choices to us as a family, this is not how we treat others.  Yet it seems quite accepted which is frustrating.  But it sounded like the director handled it well and that’s what I told her and I thanked her for letting me know.

Miss struggles with perceptual difficulties within relationships. She plays the part that she believes a situation calls for and when she is comfortable she is the aggressor. We believe she is reaching a level of comfort at school where she is kind of getting the clue that nothing really bad is going to happen no matter what she does there. She has heard through the grape vine that going to the principal’s office involves getting a talking to, calling home and sitting in a desk outside her office – big woo! I am pretty confident that was not a good understanding for Miss to come to.

We keep working on the healing and working to rewire those connections that currently lead her to do what she does. I am grateful that she has made the progress that she has, even though we have a long way to go we have already come far.

Forward Movement

Things are somewhat improved here in the loo loo house. Miss is doing better. Is her bipolar taking on more of a mature cycle where we will see these dips every few months instead of every few weeks? Just RAD stuff rearing it's ugly head? Time and tracking will tell I guess.


We had become sloppy to non existent with the tracking because Miss was doing so well, rage seemed a thing of the past. But we need to get with the program around here and track all this interesting stuff.

I feel at least in part that Miss is unhappy with Mr.'s earning program. I am now emphasizing her earning of computer time with good behavior. It is difficult when a family has not only more than one child but more than one child with behavior issues and those issues require different motivators to improve. Mr. is very dependant on his schedule. That kind of program does not work for Miss but feeling that he is getting something that she isn't or more attention is ruffling her feathers, I think.

For a while Mr. was having big time behavior problems and Miss was doing excellent. Mr. improves and Miss starts going down the tubs. Coincidence? Maybe but I don't think so.

At any rate the weekend has gone pretty well. Dad took Miss and Big Sis on some trails yesterday and they had a grand adventure. Overall she did well. She was afraid of a look out tower they went to explore and did not want to listen and ended up taking off but other than that they made out well. She did not go far with the "taking off" thing. Dad helped her through it.

At the moment we are watching Ki Lan which is an awesome show. The social emotional skills it teaches are on a pre-school level and Miss can understand them and they are being presented in a fun way. Score!

Doctor Doctor Give Me The News

(The Twins as Little Munchkins)

Following the visit with Dr. Psychiatrist Tuesday where Mr. royally showed himself Dr. Psychiatrist altered Mr.'s Meds. The med we so lovingly call "magic med" because of the wonders it does for Miss M, Dr. now has Mr. taking a whole pill instead of a half and he takes it in the am instead of at night. His first official dose was Thursday and he had a great day. No agitation or aggression at all! He was the little boy we know he can be. He is sticking to his earned Wii time schedule nicely and is not struggling when it is time to exit the Wii.

Man do we hope this sticks!

As a toddler Mr. was challenging. His hyper activity was off the charts and people literally did not want him to come to their home. He climbed everything, in fact I made it part of our daily routine to go to the park and let him climb up the climbing rock over and over and then at home was absolute regarding no climbing the furniture, walls, counter tops, etc.

He was delayed socially and by age 3 still had no self care ability at all. He could not be still long enough to eat. We had him tested with the early intervention program and he bombed that a big one. He freaked out, melted down and literally attacked the door in an effort to exit the testing area. They all did that look at each other like oh he is so messed up. But it was his window into the program with the best teacher on the planet (my opinion).

She was great with Mr. and taught me so many things. By age 4 and 5 he was making great progress. This was the time in life where Miss M was unraveling in a major way.


And then he turned 6 and things started to get very difficult with Mr. We got the CBA involved and then we got Dr. Psychiatrist on board. We have had periods as long as 6 weeks where Mr. seems to do well and then WHAM-O right back down the tubs again.

Although their aggression can look freakishly similar what is behind it is very different for both Miss M and Mr. He is a child on the Autism Spectrum who also deals with ADHD but he is very attached to his family and in particular the Mama. It comes down to his brain chemicals being out of whack.

Miss M is (as we all know here) a child healing from RAD who also has Bipolar Disorder. She is this complicated mix of defiance based in lack of trust and fear of abandonment and whacked out brain chemicals from Bipolar Disorder. She struggles with cycles of sleep difficulty, difficulty regulating her own temperature (she is either freezing or burning up), cycles of increased appetite, cycles of extreme aggression, cycles of extreme happy hyper behavior where just looking at her sends her into hysterics that mimic a drunk person.  This is all better regulated now with the assistance of medication.

At their worst either one of them will take you down to Chinatown on the hurt you express but what's fueling the engine is very different. And it certainly makes parenting ... interesting. What motivates and helps one is of no interest to the other. One is an attention seeker who is just as easily fueled by negative attention the other simply wants their own way.

Our 3 year old Lil Bro responds very well to "warning" and that whatever behavior is going on is not okay. The next move is the time out spot for 3 minutes. Because he does not care to go to the time out spot for 3 minutes he can put 2 and 2 together and when he hears "warning" his brain goes yeah the next step is going to be going and sitting over there for 3 minutes and I'd rather not. So 7 or 8 times out of 10 he will stop the behavior, the other times I get to demonstrate my ability to replace him on the spot 15 times before he actually sits. But he does sit, he has the self control to be capable to sit.  Neither Miss M nor Mr. has the ability to sit on said spot.

Mr. seems to have the control to follow the things that are in place to help prevent him from getting extremely frustrated in the first place or he goes from 0 to 60 in a nanosecond and there is a greatly diminished ability on his part to remain in control.

Interesting too that Miss M is a biter and always has been. I was once on the phone with the Psychiatrist and she was raging and biting me in the same manor an attacking chihuahua would. Mr. has always been a scratcher. He used to attack kids and teachers in his pre-school class with the scratching. They were always asking me to cut his nails shorter but they were as short as they would go.

Both will hit with aggression but Miss M is a open hand pimp slap hitter and Mr. is a fist hitter. Both are incredibly strong when they are aggressive, like pick up furniture and throw it at you strong.

So on any given day it can be a 3 ring circus here in loo loo land and it is never boring.  But ... we hope that we are on the way to brain chemicals being in order and aggression being a thing of the past.

Wrangle Um In

So we have been on a good run here lately with Miss M, lots of good healing to report.  But she is also a person that deals with Bipolar and the nature of the illness is such that stability does not last indefinitely even on the right meds. 

She had done well through out the day with lots of good effort on her part but her mind seemed distracted a lot.  She struggled with her facial expressions and seemed aware of it and seemed to be making an effort to work through it, impressive for a 6 year old. 

As her attachment has deepened she seeks approval from her family.  But the course of the day was such that all 3 of the oldest kids had their various struggles and the demand for attention inevitably collided.  Last night at bedtime Miss M asked for help getting her PJ's on.  I said for her to get started and I would come and help her.  Another child came to me at that time with a scratch that needed ointment, which I could not find anywhere in the darn house.  Why do people refuse to use my categories and put things back where they belong? 

In the midst of me helping child #2 Miss M asked Nan to help her dress, Nan did.  Then Nan gave the directive to brush teeth, Nan went to help.  At the same time Nan removed the headband off of Miss M's head and viola - unprovoked RAGE.  Her brain left the building in a nanosecond, Dad had to put her in a hold (first time in 4 months), and I still could not find the darn ointment for child #2.

Dad only had to hold her for 3 to 4 minutes and the entire episode only lasted for 15 minutes.  Her brain began to return to her and she used the calming techniques she has learned.  I went in and we talked about how that could have gone differently.  She did not want to brush her hair (no one was planning to brush her hair) and we discussed how she could have used her words to explain that she did not want to brush hair or that she wanted to wait for Mom or whatever was bothering her.  We talked about what she choose to do, get angry.  I asked her how that worked out for her and she said, "Not to good."  What could you have done, "Tell the grown up."  Good one. 

In reality her brain is just not working well at the moment.  As I have said before the Chihuahua Chico is our own personal service dog and has unsolicited training as a seizure dog apparently and when Miss M's brain chemicals are off he will not go near her, he will not let her pet him, he will not come when she calls him, etc.  Guess who is avoiding Miss M like the plague this Sunday?

Not to worry she will get the train back on the track shortly I am sure.

Mr. is making improvements.  His CBA and I had a long talk Tuesday about where adjustments could be made.  We all recognize that Mr.'s brain is not on track at the moment either, but it is getting better.  Since Mr. is VERY time orientated we decided to make his earned Wii time on more of a set time schedule instead every ___ hours.  There are set times for the school week and set times for weekend days or time off from school.  Mr. is getting right with that program. 

He has become very combative as he has become a little older, both verbally and physically.  Our first plan of action is to extinguish the aggression.  So he does not fail to earn his next Wii time as long as he does not use hands for hurting.  If he uses hands (or body) for hurting or destroys property the next Wii time is not earned.

We are making progress.  He did give Mr. CBA the wango-tango Tuesday night.  Mr. CBA had to get Mom to come in, he has NEVER done that before.  It isn't that Mr. CBA can't handle Mr. on his own but he is seeking the most effective way to help him and at that moment it was Mama.

Mr. does not like conversations that he does not start or that are not of interest to him.  His little friend at school might start a conversation about Mario Brothers and that will be fine and great because that interests him.  But overall if he didn't start the conversation he is not interested in it.  So Mr. CBA's teaching talks about when we can't get our own way and not using aggression are really not of interest to Mr.  He feels like he has had the talk, he knows the dialog, time to move on.  Wrong.

The kids are off from school tomorrow so send up an extra prayer for the Loo Loo Crew!

Talking about Loss

Sunday we sat the younger kids down and explained about Lil' Bob passing away. They woke up Sunday morning asking where he was. Mr. C explained that "he must be in his bed" and then he said "well he must be outside."

I explained that Lil' Bob was a really old dog and that he was sick and that Daddy took him to the vet and while he was at the vet he died. Mr. C said "you must be trying to tell me a joke right Mom?" I explained that no I was not joking about anything that we were talking about. Jokes are difficult to understand when you have Asperger's Disorder and so he pretty much puts anything that he doesn't understand in the joke category.

I explained that Lil' Bob was really peaceful and that he wasn't hurt or upset at all and that Daddy was with him and so he wasn't scared. Mr. C crawled into my lap and cried. He just buried his face in my chest and cried. I explained that our other dogs were young and healthy and they would be with us for a long time. He seemed comforted by that and went and loved on Jasmine.
Miss M seemed totally not bothered and uninterested in the discussion. She didn't ask questions or make comments she just seemed interested in other things. She understands loss too well and moved right on to the moving on phase of things.

Yesterday on one of her school papers the activity was to write about a picture of a smiling girl holding a black cat. Miss M's writing is all over the page and hard to discern sometimes but in the scribble was clearly written "Milo I love cat." We have a black cat that lives outside named Milo and the cat in the picture was a black and white cat. It was nice to see her express affection for the cat.

Last week was week of unpleasants. Nan had to have some oral surgery which was none too fun. I made her chicken soup and she kind of lived off that for the weekend. She is doing much better now btw.

Miss M raged Friday morning before school. The whole I don't want to get up I don't want to get dressed I don't want to go to school I don't want to ride with Daddy to school, stuff. The deal is Nan takes the kids to school on her way to work. Miss M has a nasty habit of treating Nan badly in the mornings. So if she treats Nan badly then she doesn't get the privilege of riding with Nan, instead Dad will take her to school on his way to work. This applies to all the kids but for the most part the other two do okay in the mornings. That wasn't always the case.

Part of the whole Bipolar thing is that mornings are often really difficult for them. She literally wakes up and goes into these rages. Or the mind set that triggers the rage. So for the second time in 2 weeks she was tardy to school because she refused to go. Her teacher is a nice lady but doesn't seem to get what we have shared. She gobs on the sugar with Miss M which leads Miss M to feel that she can charm this teacher, cause she can. And in turn we believe has triggered some of this backsliding. Some teachers who have taught for a long time, have their own children who are nearly grown and doing excellent in school and the community tend to think they know it all regarding "their" students. And a lot of the time that is probably completely true. But with Miss M this is a whole different ball game and we need this teacher to get on board.

I e-mail the teacher whenever Miss M is late because of refusal to go to school. Those e-mails are public record ya know. Mrs. Teacher e-mailed me back around noon to say "She is having a wonderful day. Have a great weekend!" I e-mailed back and explained that it would be helpful if Mrs. Teacher would speak to Miss M about getting to school on time since she had been tardy twice in the last two weeks because of her refusal to go to school. I further explained that this has been helpful in the past at communicating to Miss M that was are all on the same team and worker toward the greater good, one united front. She did e-mail back that she had spoken with Miss M.

So we shall see how this progresses. Here are some pics from the week.

Nan in recovery with nurse Chico by her side.


Mr. C and his lovey Henry the Hippo.



Lil' Bro looking cute as ever.


The "twins" with their glasses. They were playing nicely together at this moment, that's why I took the picture.



Big Sis took this picture of Miss M in a happy moment. Cute!

Rages, Bullying, and Backslides

http://www.bipolarchild.com/Newsletters/0506.html

I had been waiting a few days to post this because I wanted to enjoy the beauty of the photo montage that our family made for Miss M. Thank you for the lovely comment that you left Jeri. Those sad eyes definately tell a story.

I have posted the link to one of the Bipolar Child Newsletters that deals with the seasonal aspect of the disorder. September has always been a difficult time for Miss M even before we knew what we were dealing with. Last September her violence was so high that her Psychiatrist called every facility in the state trying to locate an option for treatment.

Miss M raged 3 times last week - Thursday morning, Friday night and Sunday evening. The one Sunday took place in the Wal-Mart and continued out into the Wal-Mart parking lot. Big Sis was hysterical when she called for back up (as Dad had directed). When I arrived there is my 6 year old raging away in the parking lot with on lookers. One guy, bless his idiot heart, tried to give us water to give to her. If you want that bottle to become a projectile then sure give it here. One guy did the drive by, "Is everything okay here?" As if Miss M was in danger. Yeah everything is peachy keen, can't ya tell? The police were at the neighboring Hess station making an arrest. Have no idea what that was about, some lady in a truck. I contemplated going over and explaining to them the situation before someone else sent them over.

She finally got into her seat in the van when she saw the police car coming. She has a fear of the police and their dogs. We aren't sure the reason why. She has never had negative police interaction while she has been with us but perhaps she remembers something from before. She did say while she was raging "I don't want no mean dog!" We had no idea what that meant. When I asked her about it the next day she didn't remember and then when I described what was going on she said, "Oh, I didn't want their police dog to come." Good enough, we actually got an answer and it made sense.

So we already knew that Miss M was not at her best. Yesterday at pick up from the after care program at school the director called us over. Miss M has been bullying other children. One girl finally told when they questioned her about what had been going on between her and Miss M. She reported (reluctantly) that Miss M orders her to do this or that and if she doesn't then Miss M goes to the teachers/caregivers and says the child did something to her like step on her fingers or push her or something. So the other child wrongfully gets in trouble. This is some of the behavior that has gone on at home after school.

Also the hoarding/taking things that aren't hers has returned. She was hoarding some things in her desk at school, backpack, bedroom, etc. She took her sisters radio at some point and then when her sister questioned why it was in her room she informed her that since it was in her room now that it was her radio. There were a few other things along this line as well.

So we had a talk with her yesterday and that went well. She was honest about things.

There was a lullaby playing in her brother's room down the hall and she looked upset and asked us to turn it down so that she could not hear it. The lullaby talks about how much the parents love their little one and that they are always there to protect and love you, etc. We have played it for her at bedtime too. We asked her why it bothered her and she said it makes me scared. I asked her did it scare her that Mommy and Daddy love her always. She said yes and in the conversation admitted that she is afraid we will go away. Three steps forward, two steps back seems to be this healing dance.

I am going to get in touch with our therapist who specializes in attachment and see about an appointment for a chit-chat. It seems that because Miss M struggles to get the whole picture regarding any situation that she also struggles to put all the pieces together (so to speak) regarding the healing process. She seems to understand one point and then another point but not how the points connect for the whole picture.

What we know is that she is attached to us, she does love us, and she still has very deep emotional wounds that we are trying to help her heal. Add to that a chemical imbalance and a pinch of abandonment issues and ta-dah...

some days we're bearly hanging on.

Teacher Talk and Morning Rage

We had the "talk" with Miss M's teacher Tuesday. We were there for an hour. It went well. We talked about the academics first. She has some of the same concerns regarding reading skills but is still on the fence so time will tell on that.


I asked her what the school had told her regarding Miss M's mental health diagnosis. Her mouth dropped open and she said "nothing", which means she did not read the file. The stuff that is in there will follow Miss M from now till the end of time, you know "your permanent file". I remember that scare tactic when I was a kid. "This is going on your permanent record." Not mine, other students but still I heard it.


But I am veering off course here. Watch the road Mom! So we told her of the diagnoses and how they can affect Miss M in the classroom and etc. She said, "I would have never known. She is the sweetest little girl who does anything I tell her to do." Yeah we have never heard that. Sometimes I just have to bite my cheek so this stuff doesn't spill out of my mouth.


I said, "She is a sweet little girl who also has some really serious mental health issues." It is kind of sad I guess but once someone experiences Miss M's rage they don't refer to her as sweet anymore. That is scary anger coming at you when that child rages.


Last night at our congregation I had a part in the back "Jesus can protect us." Miss M had fallen asleep in her seat and so we thought it best to leave her asleep because when you wake her it usually isn't pleasant. I had a friend who was sitting behind us watch her and another friend who was sitting at the end of our row was also watching her. Miss M woke up. She was visibly disoriented and so they tried to help her. Not going to happen. She just sat there with big freaked out eyes. As soon as I returned to my seat a few minutes later the hysterical water works started. She was so loud I had to take her outside. I reminded her that "Mommy is never going to leave her" and "That Sister Slater was watching you the whole time and AJ's Mom too." She nodded yes and regrouped but I felt so bad that it happened. I know how scary those moments are for her.


I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place because if I had woke her that likely would have gone bad. I chanced that our best option was for her to remain asleep where she was, which didn't happen. Oh well life rolls on.


In fact this morning we had a rock n roll moment when Miss M decided to rage.


I haven't checked the calendar but it is probably that time. She has been dealing with small mood swings which she recovers from rather quickly. Yesterday she was really nasty to Nan in the morning and the deal is that if a kid mistreats Nan in the morning then they don't get the privilege of riding to school with Nan, Dad will take them in his van. It had been a while since this has happened and Miss M got it together once Dad made his presences known and reminded her that he could take her to school. Nan spoke to her again on the way to school and so it was pretty much a done deal that Miss M would need to test that this morning.



Sure enough. She was not very physically abusive, mostly verbally abusive. She did hit Dad a few times but he was able to block and redirect her. She was a little late to school and I e-mailed her teacher to explain that Miss M had raged this morning but seemed to be doing better now. When Dad dropped her off Mrs. Teacher said, "I got your e-mail, thanks." So that was a positive in that it confirmed for Miss M that we did let teacher know. There is no hiding what happens at home, everyone has to be on the same page. I hope that Mrs. Teacher won't feel the need to coddle Miss M, we will wait to see on that.

The Tire Swing

"High Hopes" - Robert David Bretz


As I said in yesterdays post Miss M is doing well overall for a child with her host of issues. Apparently as I was typing those words her spidy senses tingled and she got "a little aggressive with another student over by the tire swing." At school that is. She was not on the tire swing, nor was she involved in what was going on at the tire swing. Did she want to be on the tire swing? Or pushing those who were on the tire swing? No clue. She yelled "Stop doing that" in a aggressive voice at the child who was pushing and when the child did not cooperate she grabbed her and slung her around by the arm. The adults intervened quickly. Miss M stared at them aggressively but quickly came back down to earth and all was well.





I will pick her up early from school today because she is going to get her runny nose checked out. No fever. But this runny yucky nose has been hanging on for a week now and she has now developed a mild cough.





Speaking of illness and injury, my kids seem to need a band-aid for any and all alleged boo-boos. While typing this Lil' Bro bumped his knee on his train track and needed a "band-aids!" Yesterday he bumped his head on the kitchen chair, he walked right into the darn thing. Buddy, how big do these chairs have to be for you to spot the thing? I picked him up and checked him out. I said, "Ah do you need Mommy to kiss-a de boo-boo?" "NO! I needs da band-aids!" Okay. Thank goodness for Curad 94 cent a box band-aids at Wal-Mart.

My Little Red Tricycle

We picked up this vintage tricycle (used), notice the rust on the front fender. This kid is having the time of his life! I did not think he could be more adorable.
I.

Was.

Wrong!

But...he is still into his trains just in case you were wondering.

Our friend Topham Hatt.

Miss M is still struggling. Very moody and emotional. Yesterday she exclaimed, "I'm having a bad day today!" She had been to a garage sale and purchased some treasures there. Went to the zoo with Nan and Big Sis. I missed which part was supposed to be the bad day part? Any who...


Miss 10 year old was not looking to have her photo taken, but she worked with me.

The Professor is back to writing books. That's a good sign. His attention had gotten so bad that he could not even focus to do that.

Here's to the Parents

I really find encouragement from articles like this and wanted to share it here. Many of my friends, who also stop by this blog, have children who may not suffer from BP but who have on going anxiety issues and other challenges. Some have children like mine who not only have BP but other challenging conditions as well. So here's to the parents!


The Bipolar Child NewsletterNovember, 2006 Vol. 23Janice Papolos and Demitri F. Papolos, M.D.
In Honor of Mothers and Fathers of Bipolar Children
Additional News: New DVD and 2-CD Audio Set 24: A Day in the Life of Bipolar Children and Their Families

In our book, and in almost every newsletter we write, we talk constantly about the burdens that parents of children with bipolar disorder must shoulder and overcome, all the while attempting to make decisions with the clinicians who work in an area of medicine that is still in its infancy.
But we've never composed a stand-alone list that lets others look at what the parents must grapple with and withstand--in all its stark and disturbing reality.
This list, sadly, cannot even be described as "exhaustive or complete," but as Mother's Day approaches, and Father's Day is just a calendar turn away, the parents coping with a child (or children) with bipolar disorder deserve special recognition and honor for their enormous valor as they:
*Look at a very young and much-loved child with a nagging fear that something is seriously wrong.
*Feel the external world bearing down on them, advising them to take multiple parenting classes or to tune into Nanny 911. Feel infantilized and ashamed as people offer up criticism and advice.
*Accept that they need help from a professional, but feel a stranglehold of fear.
*Come to learn that there are only 4,101 child psychiatrists in the entire United States--many wary of making this diagnosis.
*Watch their child and other siblings besieged by an illness for which there is little diagnostic or treatment consensus in the field of psychiatry.
*Receive multiple diagnoses such as ADHD, OCD, ODD, PDD, anxiety disorder, or simple depression.
*Come to accept that the child has a very serious psychiatric illness and make the agonizing decision to begin a trial of medications (if they can find a psychiatrist who can treat their child, or who has open hours).
*Read the package inserts of medications which list possible side effects, as well as frightening black-box labels, and watch apprehensively for any signs of serious trouble such as lithium toxicity, tardive dyskinesia, Stevens-Johnson syndrome, new-onset type-II diabetes, or pancreatitis.
*Attempt to explain to a child how the doctor is trying to help and what the medications are going to do; subsequently they watch their child experience distressing early side effects that include nausea and diarrhea and severe drowsiness; or worse, the paradoxical effects that produce the opposite reaction of what the drug is being used to treat.
*Deal with the disillusionment of a failed medication trial and explain to that child why those pills didn't work and tell him or her: "We're going to try something else," knowing that they may have to repeat that phrase a number of times and thus begin a new round of side effects.
*Have to get a child who has a needle phobia to a lab for a blood draw to determine drug levels. (This experience alone could turn one's hair grey.)
*Watch children's weight balloon upward and their self-esteem plummet as they take certain medications that can be very effective, but that may also cause weight gain.
*Become an all too familiar face at the pharmacy, experiencing shock at the cost of each prescription.
*Have to suffer the ignorance of people in the media, who--in a cavalier manner--discuss over-diagnosis and over-medication. Moreover, these parents hear certain clinicians in the field publicly utter insulting sound bites such as: "This is an easy way for parents to let themselves off the hook;" or "This is simply the diagnosis du jour."
*Have to listen to the word "No!" from a child one hundred times each morning, but be unable to assert the parental "No" as it will predictably trigger a meltdown.
*Suffer the physical abuse of a child raging out of control, and experience crippling shame because they can't manage their own child.
*Are set adrift in a house that has become a war zone.
*Deal with feelings that alternate from extreme anger at the child to the most unbelievable yearning to help that child, from anger at the outside world for failing to realize what is happening to them, to exhaustion in trying to deal with the child with some modicum of equanimity.
*Become perplexed that their child often does well in the outside world, only to return to the safe harbor of home to rage at a parent (most often the mother), leading to the suspicions of outsiders that "Something must be going on in that household, and with that woman;" or "She seems so nice, but you never really know people;" or "He can keep it together at school, so he must be a very manipulative kid."
*Have to mount a siege each school-day morning simply to get a child suffering a sleep/wake reversal up and out to school.
*Hesitate to answer a phone, afraid that it will be the vice-principal in charge of disciplinary action calling to report an "incident" at school.
*Come close to earning a degree in educational law so as to work with the school system. Keep in constant contact with the teachers and psychologist or aide in order to assess what's working and where yet another accommodation may help.
*Waylay careers and reduce household income so a parent can stay at home to deal with the child and spend hours at doctors' and therapists' and tutors' offices.
*Experience the heartbreak of knowing that their child is rarely invited to birthday parties. *Conversely, if he or she is invited, the event might be overstimulating thus provoking some kind of meltdown, and effectively putting an end to any such celebrations in the future.
*Fear that their child will become aggressive with kids on the playground or in the neighborhood, thus earning disdain and a cold shoulder from the other parents.
*Want the world to understand, but fear that the stigma will further isolate the child and their family.
*Attempt to explain the almost inexplicable to the siblings, and to help them cope with the chaos in the household. Feel overwhelming guilt that the family is always fractured as one parent goes to a soccer game while the other stays home with the unstable child; or that a rare dinner at a restaurant devolves into an embarrassing, abruptly-ended event as parents race the child and siblings home and away from disapproving diners.
*Are paralyzed if a child becomes manic and hypersexual and says inappropriate things or makes inappropriate gestures.
*See their marriages become shaky as the stress of coping with this illness leaves parents little time to relate to each other and most conversations begin to center around the problems of their ill child.
*Listen with horror as their child screams, "I don't want to live anymore;" or "I'd be better off dead."
____________________________________________________
It is hard to fathom how these parents get through a day. Their reality is simply unimaginable to the outside world, and their lives--until their children are stable--are a virtual stew of guilt and powerlessness, anxiety, fear, uncertainty, confusion, blame, and shame. These are feelings that most of us would do anything to avoid, but all are feelings that a family who lives with bipolar disorder must endure for months and years at a time.
And yet, we see family after family find the help, learn to cope, steady their footing, and move on with their lives. And then we see them turn around and offer a lifeline of information and support to others who must walk the same path, only now no longer alone.
Some people think of Mother's and Father's Day as Hallmark holidays; but we see them as an opportunity to celebrate these parents: their grit and their commitment, their love and their humanity....Parents who have never stopped trying to help their children--against seemingly overwhelming odds.
Take good care of yourselves.

We send you our best,
Janice Papolos and Demitri Papolos, M.D.

Storms Comin'

Friday night sleep over night in Miss M's room. Big Sis and some real dogs were invited. This was a big step forward to feel that Miss M could handle this treat. The girls had worked toward it and planned it for most of the week.

Miss M had a hard time going to sleep. She was so excited at the whole arrangement. It was 10 pm before she finally went to sleep. Her normal bedtime is 7:30 and sleep by 8 pm. Regulated sleep is a BIG deal for kids with her issues.

The next morning.

Ain't this a pretty picture? Don't you think, "All's well there." THINK AGAIN BUDDY!

Moments pre-RAGE.

In looking at our calendar we realized it had been exactly 3 weeks since the previous rage so things were right on time, I guess. It was a pretty yucky one. Dad was able to help her stay safe. She pretty much struggled emotionally the remainder of the day and in fact had been struggling emotionally prior to the rage. She was "off" from the get go.


These pics were from the afternoon.

We kept her close with adults and we all stayed busy.

The sky can look so blue and beautiful.

And then dark clouds are rolling in just on the other side of the fence.

That's kind of what life is like for someone and their family dealing with mental illness.

Miss M's attachment to Big Sis continues to deepen and grow stronger, which is so wonderful to see. Not only because of that wonderful sister bond that we wanted for them but because Miss M can truly love someone and value them.

Cause the love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. Love isn't love until you give it away.

Weekend Review with the Loo-Loos

I just love that sweet face! Big Sis is feeling better, happy to report that news!

The weekend overall went okay. Mr. C is doing better. Taking this new med 3 times a day seems to be the key. His impulsivity is way down, much improved. He is very affectionate and making a good choice more often than not. As the school week went on he got back into his groove.

Even though his favorite person Bella is not in his class this year he is slowly latching on to a few key new favorite people. Unlike some with Autism Spectrum Disorder Mr. C IS interested in having personal relationships, he just is not always very good at it. He understands that he isn't good at it and that is cause for further anxiety and frustration. He is not good at non-verbal cues such as facial expressions and body language. He often sees children or teachers from school in other places like the Wal-Mart and he doesn't know who they are right away which makes him feel uncomfortable when they appear to know him. A kid will run up "hey Mr. C!" and he freezes and looks like a deer in headlights. I'll say to the other kid "Hi I'm Mr. C's Mom. Are you in class with Mr. C?" And help him to reacquaint himself with the person. He normally wants to exit the whole seen quickly.So the first day back to school can understandably be a challenge.

Miss M did well at the beginning of the week and as the week progressed we saw more moody and emotional behavior, which is typical in the cycling we see. No rage. The weekend was a HUGE effort but all things worked, fell into place, the planets lined up correctly, or whatever ... but no rage. Hoo-ra!