More on the Results

There was so much information it is hard to get my thoughts together with out the documents in front of me so I am spitting it out as it comes to me.  Thanks for bearing with me.  I will post more nuts and bolts scoring type information once we receive that in the mail.

Did I mention the clinician started by saying, "Let's start with the good news, the good news is that Miss does not have any learning disabilities.  However, ..."  I thought here we go, what on earth has been revealed?



Miss' low tolerance for boredom and frustration is consistent with her "psychiatric diagnosis' ", primarily Bipolar disorder.  She is stable and does have the skills needed to work through boredom and frustration more appropriately.  Tantrums and disconnect are quick outs.

She is comfortable with her family and more likely to go right to the tantrum portion of the event, aren't we privileged?  In other settings she primarily disconnects.  The clinician said that she disconnects often and as soon as she is bored or frustrated or things just are less than interesting to her.  Again because she is staring right at you it can be difficult in a class of 20 plus kids for a teacher to realize that she is "checked out".  The clinician said, "If you are a teacher that is scanning for eyes you will likely miss that she is not engaged."

Again not ADHD.

But she also felt that after reviewing all the class work that I had brought to her and the report cards and everything else that it seemed shocking that the teacher felt that Miss was putting forth her best effort.  The speech teacher and the intern in the classroom all said the same thing though.  Children with RAD have skills like a magician!

Miss has no actual processing or sequencing disorder but that is an area of weakness and challenge for her.  The clinician felt that this seemed consistent with the malnutrition history and delayed motor skills that had come with that.  However, Miss has all the needed ability to push past this challenge and preform better.  The clinician said that it isn't that Miss doesn't have long term memory skills she just isn't interested in accessing them most of the time.

Her reading skills were much higher than we would have guessed. Again, she doesn't want to de-code so she just puts a word in but she has the ability.

More than anything the testing confirmed what we believed that we knew about her.  I was not confident on how challenged she was or wasn't by processing and sequencing problems or if she had any actual disorder but my belief was that she could do better than she was doing. 

With RAD it can be very difficult to trust what you believe you know about the child, at least it can be for me.  It was both reassuring and validating but it was also sad to know that I'm not wrong.  That she isn't the child she can so convincingly pretend to be with others.  I would rather be wrong.  I would rather her only hurtle in life be that she got stuck with a family that doesn't jive with her.  That our dynamics are too challenging for her abilities.  (Someone once said to us that Miss only problem was that we just had too many kids in our family.  That we had more children than we could handle.)

To know for sure that she has all the ability to do better she just isn't ... I guess on the positive side is a confidence boaster in terms of how we parent.

The clinician emphasized that Miss needs to be pushed to finish things to the end and that it was crucial that we continue to work on this now before she gets to middle and high school.   We need to continue to focus on her behavior being her choice and that she choose the results by choosing to behave in that way.

Keep doing what you are doing and hope for the best.  I feel a little yikes unnerved about that.

While we had this hour and a half meeting with Ms. Clinician the 3 non-camper kids did really well sitting through that bunch of boring.  They brought a puzzle to do and then Lil Bro climbed in my lap and started chanting "hungry, hungry, hungry".  Mr. Man played with my hair and complained about how long we had been talking and Big Sis stretched out on the sofa at one point. 

We are a funny group.

Q TIP

I am finding this post kind of swirly in my head but I'll try to be coherent.

When Mr. Man was in his wonderful pre school class there was a sign on the wall made out of cotton swabs that said Q TIP.  I asked what it meant and the teacher explained that it was their reminder to "quit taking it personal."

Clearly that's an easy thing to understand but over the years I have had a much harder time accepting that phrase.  I have learned the roll of the therapeutic parent and I think I do okay for someone that never had a back ground in psychology or social work.  But my Mommy heart still takes it hard when my kid screams that I'm not her real Mom or that she wants her real Mom.  Or when she is a raging ball of fury and I can't fix it. 

Quit Taking It Personal

But somewhere inside I wrestle with what haven't I done?  Where have I gone wrong that I can't get her to truly accept that I am her Mom and that we are her family forever.  And the realization that this is how she sees things is even more difficult to accept.  More difficult to Quit Taking It Personal.

Tonight Miss Fabulous had a major rage.  She was screaming all kinds of things at her father who was helping her and she started screaming, "Mommy doesn't love me.  I love her but Mommy doesn't love me, she hates me!"  She said it repeatedly.

Once she was calm we moved a head with bath and afterward while I was doing her hair I asked what made her think that Mommy didn't love her.

Quit Taking It Personal

See my mind and heart had heard that she thought that I don't love her.  That wasn't the case at all, she is very clear that I do love her and that "You think I am pretty and sweet and special."  She said, "B___ my real Mom hates me."  I hate that real Mom term but it is her term and how she sees things at this point in time and so I can respect that, I know what she means. 

She explained why she felt that way, very simple and to the point.  And I got it.  The realization that her problems have nothing to do with me actually sunk in to my heart and not just my mind.  Quit Taking It Personal because it has nothing to do with you, I got it.

The rages over hair and bath and being told no and whatever else are not about me, about us.  Whoever the punching bag might be.  I got it.

Now I just have to keep remember it.

Cruisin'

Alas we have returned to reality.  Thunk!

Boy that reentry is not easy when you have come to accept that every time you leave your state room the bed will be made and there will be a new towel animal waiting for you upon your return.

Man!  We had to like make dinner and junk tonight!

But ... the little ones did excellent here at home with Dad and Grandma.  My Fabulous Miss M is gearing up to give me the business for the next few days make no mistake about that, but they did very well while I was gone and that will make leaving again more doable!  Go me!

The cruise was an absolute retreat and spending that time with my 11 year old girl who will have out grown me in a blink was priceless.  She gets lost in the shuffle around here because she is capable and Mama has a lot on her plate.  I try to address it often, that I notice it and want it to be different.  And I do what I can do to make that happen.  I try to set aside time with her in the evening as many nights as possible but the reality is I am tired and worn out from the day and probably less fun then I'd like to be.

So making sure that she has this one on one time with Mama is important for both of us.

The Nanster needed time away too.  She is very good about backing us up and allowing either me or the Hubs to get done what we need to.  She is very dedicated to our brood and this was our way of saying thank you to her.

I will be posting more pictures of the trip soon.

Testing - intake day

The Fabulous Miss M and I headed over to the university to start the process for a FULL psycho-educational evaluation.  FULL as in the size of the clinicians eyes as the intake of information was underway.  I kind of love how every clinician looks at the angel baby in front of them and then the process that's going on in their head as to how the kid I am talking about is supposed to be this angel in front of them.  Never fear I have video footage and you can talk to the various professionals who have witnessed it.   

The clinician took the FULL history down.  Pages and pages this lady was writing.  I also gave her permission to get information from the Psychiatrist and the CBA.  I told her what I had observed regarding Miss M's learning struggles, took her report cards and interim reports, told her about all the extra help she is receiving in school and still struggling, showed her the testing that we had done by the Linda-Mood Bell center, gave her Miss M's latest test scores from class and the weekly state assessments.

Miss M's demeanor was that of a traumatized unsure kid.  She was offered toys, she refused.  She was offered crayons and paper, she refused.  She stuck close to me and looked at the clinician with big scared eyes when addressed and otherwise she picked at her skin and clothes and looked off into space.  She had a bug bite on her arm that she picked until it was raw and then right in the middle of the intake she let me know that the bug bite hurt.  I offered her itchy cream and she said that would make it sting.  I offered her a band-aid and she accepted that and the we went on with the intake and she went back to looking off into space.

I asked her when we left if she felt uncomfortable at that place and she said no that it was fine.  That's not true and so I am guessing that it will surface a little later.  I asked her later in the evening if she wanted to talk about any of the things that were talked about in the meeting.  She said no.  I told her that everything that we talked about was okay things to talk about and that this was just something that kids do for school.  She said okay.

I wanted to address it but needed to keep it simple and say it in a way that I thought would best sink in for her.  We are scheduled to go back next week and begin the actual testing which will be video taped as well.  (PS I forgot to say that the person doing the intake and I spoke in "code" so while Miss picked up on some minor things she did not understand the big words that we used, mainly she was bored.  I did not give any info on birth mom and that situation because I don't want memories to be implanted for Miss.  I will give that info to the clinician at another time.  I did inform her of the "flashback" which touches on trauma history but that is what Miss had shared with me.)

This evening as we drove home I thought about all the help we have sought to deal with the issues at hand

1. first our child's physician
2. then a child psychologist that had already worked with our son, who advised us to seek out a
3. therapist who specialized in RAD
4. then a psychiatrist was added
5. then the local child services was added, insert Social Worker # 1
6. and 2
7. then a child psychologist who came to our home to work with our family was added
8. then a Certified Behavior Analyst was added (all before she was 6 years old)
9. and we are still at this ... now with a University involved doing FULL psycho educational testing

Let's balance that with all 4 kids are sick again (because I think they never really get over it). 
The dog is sick again and back on antibiotics too. 
The "twins" have had special 'guess what Mom you get to do extra stuff for class this week because it's the last 3 days of school and the teachers have to keep them busy' - Pajama Day, Bubble Day, Pizza Party Day and and and times 2. 
The 4 year old is being a MAJOR toot toot who does not want to take his antibiotics so I had to take him back to the doctor but this time we had to go to the Urgent Care doctor because his doctor is on vacation this week so insert snarky looks from the Urgent Care doctor when I describe that he will NOT take his meds, then she had a go at him and understood what I meant.  I explained that I had put the CBA on the job the night before and that I was making more progress with the 4 year old then the CBA was.  He noted that we don't have an easy kid in the bunch.  Question Mark.
Today Big Sis had a dentist appointment 1 hour before Miss M's appointment.  Mr. C had his routine disrupted which does not and did not go well.  I actually threatened to have his CBA come to the dentist office.  The man next to us was getting really tired of the twerpy kid (Mr. C) who seemed way to big to be having this baby fit.  He tried to back me up and had over heard the threat and so piped up, "She's going to call him!" 
Mr. C quieted down so it was Lil Bro's turn to go bananas over being told he could not turn the stupid bead game upside down on it's wire top.  The thing is big and heavy and he was clearly going to break it so no you may not do that.  Insert the wham-o!  I had to take this child out to the bench in front of the dental office while he through a major tantrum.  He was all sweaty and snot faced and a complete crazed person.  Then Big Sis comes out and tells me I have to sign her out so I had to drag the sweaty snot faced banshee into the dental office so I could sign her out.  I so do not love those looks of 'why is your child such a whacko you must not know how to parent.'  I should however be used to them by now, shouldn't I?

As my dear friend stated the other dear, "motherhood is not for sissies!"

Sticks and Stones

may break my bones but words will never hurt me.  I remember saying that as a kid.  I wonder who came up with the phrase.  Not enough to google it but still I wonder.  It isn't true.  Words can tear right through our heart.  Words like, "I want my real mom!"

Yes the Fabulous Miss M hit below the belt today.  She was on her way to her room for being inappropriate and I'll just leave it at that.  She was angry. 

She just woke up struggling today and I am not sure the reason why.  Apparently thoughts of the past had come a knockin and her heart was hurting so she decided to hurt mine.  It worked but my therapeutic Mom brain kicked in and we used it.

I went in and asked her why she wanted her real Mom?  What is a real Mom? 

She said a real Mom is the person that takes care of you "I guess".  I asked her who took care of her and she said that I do. 

We talked about a lot of things and something that she did seem to follow was the fact that we are her real parents because we have papers from a judge that say so.  I brought out all of the kids birth certificates from the state.  They all pretty much look the same and the wording is such that she can read it herself.  Each child's name and then our names as the parents.  I showed her that we have a special safe that we keep these papers in because they are important to us.  She seemed to take it all in.

The fact is she is hurting today.  Her hugs were stiff and fake, she had Chinese water torture on her radar today, she did a million and two things to push me away and yet try to remain in control of me and my attention. 

We will get the train back on the tracks and keep on keeping on.  A few days ago she was doing amazingly well and she has made a great amount of progress lately but it does tend to be 3 steps forward and 2 steps back and today we took a few steps back.  Hopefully tomorrow we will once again be moving forward.

It was amazing to see Mr.'s reaction to what Miss M said to me.  He had that shock face :-0 and said, "She must be trying to tell a joke or something.  You are the real Mom!"  He can give me a hard time in his own way but that kid has a sweet heart. 

What’s Dem-A-Crazy?

I was just reading the accidental mommy blog and commented that parenthood was not a democracy and my little guy said, “What’s dem-a-crazy?” Funny stuff!

It means that parents make the decisions because it is our God given right and we know best and have the child’s best interest in mind. That said, sometimes we mess it up. We aren’t perfect either.

Shortly I’ll be going to pick up the fabulous Miss M from Grandma, I have that pit, I might puke, feeling. Being in an abusive relationship is not easy, you never know what is going to set the abuser off and it is more complicated when the abuser is your child.

She has had a good visit with the grandparents, she always does. She even wrote a little song and Grandma e-mailed it to me.

TODAY IS TUESDAY, TODAY IS TUESDAY

APRIL 27, APRIL 27

YESTERDAY WAS MONDAY,

TOMORROW WILL BE WEDNESDAY

HIP, HIP HOORAY!

MY GOING HOME DAY

That sounds like such a sweet awww kind of a song, doesn’t it? All I could think was holly heck she is going to kick my butt when she comes home! We talked to her on Monday and gave everyone an update on Mr. When she is at Grandma’s house she has a whole different voice tone, very sweet and kind of sing songy. That’s the voice that started out on the phone and then she realized that Mr. was with Mama and I heard her wheels start turning and her voice tone changed and … frankly I’m dreading the reunification of our clan. I am trying to talk myself out of it, it isn’t going as well as I hoped. The break from having to always be on watch and on alert is so needed and helpful but it’s hard to go back to reality. I always wonder was it a mistake to go for the break?

Maybe it will all go well and we won’t have any major acting out.

Maybe pigs really will fly!

What have you done for you lately?

Corey posted that question a few days ago and honestly it was hard for me to think about what I had done for myself, a common Mom issue.  But ... yesterday Big Sis and I had a day together and we got pedicures, had lunch at our favorite restaurant, and did a little shopping!  Then I came home and went to bed at 7pm!  Fun!

Here is a pic of our toes.

The Hubs said it best, "That's really orange."

I am going for tropical here and I let a 10 year old pick the color.

Miss M is enjoying herself at Grandma's and we have had a relaxing weekend here at home too.

Hello From My Sick Bed

The weekend has not been good. I have been sick with the flu, the kind where you have to go to bed and wait to die or get better. Thankfully I seem to be getting better but this has left Nan and The Hubs on their own largely.

Miss has been challenging, not surprising I guess but still no fun to deal with. She had a full on rage and many other tantrums. About what? It never matters, same old stuff.  Her pants are clean though.

Mr. has made a decent effort I will say but he has lost a few times. He took things to a new level and actually bit himself until he bleed.

Lil Bro has popped in to inform me, “Miss M is naughty. She no listen to Nanny.” I think that about sums it up.

Big Sis is feeling better and has been busy being 10. She wanted to go over to a friends house, what and leave all this? So amongst the chaos Nan and Dad worked out taking her and dropping her off over there.

I think that Miss’ meds may need to be adjusted. Although the reports from school say she is behaving well her schoolwork is not going so well and the artwork coming home is indicating that things may not be going so well inside Miss’ head. I will try to get the Hubs to scan some so that I can post it.

Too True Tuesday on a Wednesday …

… because I am knee deep in messy underwear and I am sick with a head cold. I am happy to report that I am not having the messy underwear issue personally, in case you were wondering.

Okay so this TTT is regarding our obsessions and compulsions. I thought I don’t really have any and then I tried to put this post together and realized that I may need professional help.  Thanks Accidental Mommy!

I cannot tolerate anyone touching my face, dunno why. I once had a facial and had to walk away from it before I slugged the facial lady.

I obsessively wash my hands because I cannot stand for them to feel dirty and frankly I have to deal with a lot of yuck, what Mom doesn’t right? After pouring out the poop bucket with the dirty underwear water in it and bleaching it I wash my hands maybe 10 times because yuckkkkkkkk, so so gross.

I think my #1 compulsion is categories. I like for things to be in the appropriate category and it gets a little obsessive and by little I mean that even the toy box toys are in clear zippered bags of categories. I recently realized that I have rubbed off on my kids, even Miss M puts her animals into appropriate categories when she is playing with them, Lil Bro and the whole crew put things into categories. In fact if I toss lets say Mr. Robot into the train bin for the sake of time he ah well flips out a bit, “That not go there Mommmmm!”

This compulsion doesn’t always lend itself to a tidy environment, which it seems that it should. I think it is the whole work in progress mentality that we have here in Loo Loo Land. They are beginning to get the categories but they are not completely true to the categories, you see? The student has not become the teacher, grasshopper.

18, 18 years ago

Today I am 36 years old. I have officially been of adult age as long as I was considered a minor. I am pretty sure it is all down hill from here. (just joking)

Things are saggier and wider than they were 18 years ago but I am also smarter than I was 18 years ago so I guess that's a fair trade off. 18 years ago I was a senior in high school and working for a local interior designer. I have fond memories of that experience and can still sew by hand like a wiz, which comes in handy with 4 kids who have short legs.

Once I graduated I had the chance to go stay out in San Diego for a month. That was a great experience and I think opened the door for me to realize that life was bigger than the small county I had grown up in.

I was dating my future husband and living at home with my parents. I had the opportunity to go and stay with an elderly woman in Harlem. My parents knew I was going to stay with a woman in New York but I was not clear on the details of where.

My friend and I got to know the city well over those 2 weeks. We were the only white people in the entire community. I learned things like not to lean up against the wall of the building while you are waiting for someone because roaches will crawl into your purse. And saw a tree where everyone that was killed in the neighborhood had a pair of their shoes thrown up in the tree. There were a lot of shoes in that tree and I can still see it so clearly in my mind.

I learned that I should have traveled lighter because I looked kind of silly on the subway with all that luggage.

That year I went to a U2 concert and I am still sure they are the best band on the planet.


I wonder what I would tell my 18-year-old self if I could talk to her?

Travel when you can, it is a great education.

Don't wear ballet shoes to your wedding because it is going to snow a lot.

Value the ones you love because things change.

Forgive, love never fails and God would not have said it if it were not true.

Be careful what you say because you can't really take it back.

Stick with your faith, it's what you can count on.