Maybe that really is true, that being away from someone makes us value them more when we are together again. I think it is true. But the surprising thing is it seems to be true for Miss Fabulous as well.
When I still see the RAD markers surface in her life and ours I find myself asking, “How healed is she? How healed is she ever going to be?” But the truth seems to be just as other RAD experienced parents have said that the healing is a long time coming. And yet she is healing just the same.
Last week was our school districts Spring Break. After our weekend of camping, which I will post about later, Miss went to stay with the Grandparents for Spring Break week. She had a great time being the only child and playing in the hot tub and getting undivided non-stop attention. It used to be that although the break was needed and enjoyable the he** that she ensued on this household upon her return made it almost not worth it. But this time she came home like most kids do, that is she was thrilled to see every one of us and has been sweet as a peach. Of course it often seems put on and fake but she is making a real effort that much is clear and we are happy with nice even if it is a little fake-o.
Tonight after her bath she asked me to help her with her hair. She asked nicely and was respectful. I kind of had a pause for a moment as if candid camera was going to be jumping out from behind the bathroom door to real the joke. But no, that did not happen. While I was braiding her hair she asked if I remember the time that she got mad and screamed and then I showed her the birth date papers. I looked confused because I was and she said never mind. But I racked my brain and thought back to a time maybe a year or more ago, I’m pretty sure I blogged about it, when she got angry at me and said that I wasn’t her real Mom anyway. Once everything had calmed down I went and got all of the kids birth certificates. We always do a second adoption here in our home state so that the kids official documents are issued from our state and not only from their country of birth. So when you line up everyone’s birth certificate they all look alike, even Big Sis’s. I showed her all the documents and told her that I was her real mother just the same way that I am Lil Bro’s, Mr. Man’s and Big Sis’s mother. I said see the papers say that I am your Mom and that The Hubs is your Dad.
I told her that I understood that she grew in someone else’s tummy and so did Lil Bro and so did Mr. Man and that those woman are very special because they gave each of my children life but I am your real Mom and that’s how it is going to be forever. I have never heard her say the real Mom bit again. Although it will no doubt be coming my way again once the teen years hit, heaven help me.
She said yes that was the time she was talking about and then she said, “But you are my real Mom.” It was a very sincere apology for something that she had said to me months ago.
Miss had soccer practice today and she really gave it her all and she was down right impressive and because she did not sabotage herself and really tried her best it gave me a great opportunity to praise her all up and cheer her on. I was the Mom giving her the thumbs up and she was the kid waving to me from the field when she scored the goal. It was awesome and she really seemed to feel good about really trying and succeeding. And I think it lead to her wanting me to know that she knows who her real Mom is even though all the baggage from the past hurts and so sometimes I am the Mom that gets to be the punching bag.
Showing posts with label Healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Healing. Show all posts
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Keep Moving Forward
I read this post and thought of my own beautiful boys. This summer has gone really well overall, better than the summers have been in years. Everyone is more stable than they have been in years.
The boys have become even more closely bonded. They say things like "we're the brothers!" I have been encouraging them how special their relationship is, not everyone gets a brother and it was important to Dad and I that they have each other. Mr. Man has taken this information to heart and when the two are playing together says things like, "Are we 100% brothers or what!?"
The pool has been sick with yellow algae and so for the past few days they have not been able to get in and play. Thankfully the pool should be back to swimable today or tomorrow. In the mean time I have been letting the kids play with the hose on the patio. They have used buckets sponges and soapy bubbles and it has been precious to watch.
Lil Bro has had fun watching the buckets fill with water and watching the ripples the running water makes in the bucket full of water. Toy alligators have gone for a swim, sometimes in the dog dish which is yuck but we have lots of soap involved so it all works out. It is awesome to watch his imagination at work and to know that he does not have the struggles that Miss Fabulous and Mr. Man have had to and continue to overcome.
Having a little brother that has such an imagination has been so beneficial to Mr. Man and his gains socially. Brothers rock!
Miss Fabulous is doing well at the moment. She feels real pride in applying herself and making improvement in her school work. I hope that this will carry over into the school year when it begins in a few weeks.
Sometimes Miss makes some funny observations. The way that she chooses to phrase things can be entertaining. For instance we were browsing channels and there was an advertisement for a program with a cesarean section on TV. Miss Fabulous looked at the TV and said, "Hey look they are letting that baby out of there." The Hubs said to me quietly, "Yeah they are letting him out of the clink." It was a hilariously precious moment with a healing kid just being a 7 year old kid and not being hyper vigilant and on guard but just living the moment.
Have you seen the movie The Robinson's? Mr. Man loves that movie and when he first saw it he said, "That's just like me and you isn't it Mom?" At that time he still struggled a lot socially and it was a surprising observation from him. Tears came to my eyes and I will never forget it.
The message in the movie is "keep moving forward." And that's just what we are doing. Thank you all for joining us along the way.
The boys have become even more closely bonded. They say things like "we're the brothers!" I have been encouraging them how special their relationship is, not everyone gets a brother and it was important to Dad and I that they have each other. Mr. Man has taken this information to heart and when the two are playing together says things like, "Are we 100% brothers or what!?"
The pool has been sick with yellow algae and so for the past few days they have not been able to get in and play. Thankfully the pool should be back to swimable today or tomorrow. In the mean time I have been letting the kids play with the hose on the patio. They have used buckets sponges and soapy bubbles and it has been precious to watch.
Lil Bro has had fun watching the buckets fill with water and watching the ripples the running water makes in the bucket full of water. Toy alligators have gone for a swim, sometimes in the dog dish which is yuck but we have lots of soap involved so it all works out. It is awesome to watch his imagination at work and to know that he does not have the struggles that Miss Fabulous and Mr. Man have had to and continue to overcome.
Having a little brother that has such an imagination has been so beneficial to Mr. Man and his gains socially. Brothers rock!
Miss Fabulous is doing well at the moment. She feels real pride in applying herself and making improvement in her school work. I hope that this will carry over into the school year when it begins in a few weeks.
Sometimes Miss makes some funny observations. The way that she chooses to phrase things can be entertaining. For instance we were browsing channels and there was an advertisement for a program with a cesarean section on TV. Miss Fabulous looked at the TV and said, "Hey look they are letting that baby out of there." The Hubs said to me quietly, "Yeah they are letting him out of the clink." It was a hilariously precious moment with a healing kid just being a 7 year old kid and not being hyper vigilant and on guard but just living the moment.
Have you seen the movie The Robinson's? Mr. Man loves that movie and when he first saw it he said, "That's just like me and you isn't it Mom?" At that time he still struggled a lot socially and it was a surprising observation from him. Tears came to my eyes and I will never forget it.
The message in the movie is "keep moving forward." And that's just what we are doing. Thank you all for joining us along the way.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
The Pool of Trust
Lil Bro is all signed up for Pre-K which begins Aug. 9. This school offers a schoolers camp which I like much better and after talking with the Hubs was prepared to move Miss Fabulous over to it. The next day I went to sign her up, one day later mind you, and that morning a family with 3 schoolers had come in and taken the last 3 spots. Bummer.
We are looking for a different camp program. The things that we loved about the program have changed and so it is worth the change to move her somewhere else.
Big Sis is all signed up and enrolled for the virtual public school program which she will do at home starting Aug. 9. We are excited about this change.
Mr. Man is struggling. We messed with his meds and that was a mistake. Re achieving stability does not come as easily as resuming the med regiment he was on previously. Hopefully we will get there again.
Miss Fabulous has done well overall this weekend. She got into hysterical hyper laughter which she could not get control of. I was braced for the down side of that but it never came so that was good.
We have all been spending a lot of time in the pool together. Lil Bro is now swimming with no floaty suit, he is awesome! You can really see who a kid trust and who they don't in a pool. You can also see the level of trust they have. Lil Bro swims to Mom and Big Sis with no caution with total confidence that we are there to protect and help him. It is simply a knowledge with in him. I love it.
He will not swim to Miss Fabulous at all and he swims to Mr. Man with caution and thought. Interesting.
Mr. Man will let me float him on his back and cuddle him up like a baby. He sinks right in to me. But his sensory issues mean we have to be very careful where we touch him, avoid the pits.
Miss Fabulous never fully trust anyone in the pool. She may want to ride on a back with a "whale swim" but she is always in control in some way. Always aware of the side, of where she would look to make herself feel safe. As far as we have come in managing the behaviors we do not have her complete trust. It's sad, I'm not sure that she can trust another person completely. I hope that we are getting there little by little.
We are looking for a different camp program. The things that we loved about the program have changed and so it is worth the change to move her somewhere else.
Big Sis is all signed up and enrolled for the virtual public school program which she will do at home starting Aug. 9. We are excited about this change.
Mr. Man is struggling. We messed with his meds and that was a mistake. Re achieving stability does not come as easily as resuming the med regiment he was on previously. Hopefully we will get there again.
Miss Fabulous has done well overall this weekend. She got into hysterical hyper laughter which she could not get control of. I was braced for the down side of that but it never came so that was good.
We have all been spending a lot of time in the pool together. Lil Bro is now swimming with no floaty suit, he is awesome! You can really see who a kid trust and who they don't in a pool. You can also see the level of trust they have. Lil Bro swims to Mom and Big Sis with no caution with total confidence that we are there to protect and help him. It is simply a knowledge with in him. I love it.
He will not swim to Miss Fabulous at all and he swims to Mr. Man with caution and thought. Interesting.
Mr. Man will let me float him on his back and cuddle him up like a baby. He sinks right in to me. But his sensory issues mean we have to be very careful where we touch him, avoid the pits.
Miss Fabulous never fully trust anyone in the pool. She may want to ride on a back with a "whale swim" but she is always in control in some way. Always aware of the side, of where she would look to make herself feel safe. As far as we have come in managing the behaviors we do not have her complete trust. It's sad, I'm not sure that she can trust another person completely. I hope that we are getting there little by little.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Ah the weekend...
I am still not a cool parent and I am still okay with that. I did send little friend home, no explanation just that it was time to go. The Mom didn't seem surprised.
I found a used bunk bed for a really good price and it was a perfect match for Miss Fabulous' room. Since she no likey change I never make a change with out consideration to how it is going to affect her and whether the change is worth the possible fall out. I addressed the change with her. Explained that her bed (meaning the mattress and sheets and animals and smells or scents) would all remain the same. I had hoped she would want to move to the top bunk but she did not so we skipped it.
It is not possible for Miss Fabulous to share a room with Big Sis all the time but it is possible for Big Sis to sleep on the top bunk from time to time and when we have company, we have that amount of stability at this time.
I was very careful about the transition. I gave her an activity to focus on but did not send her away from her room where we worked. I showed her how her things were all there and staying. She paced and entered and paced and entered and I made sure Dad and I worked as quickly as possible. She helped put the unwashed bedding back on her bed, now the bottom bunk. She immediately laid down and smelled her bed and rubbed the sheet, all very unconsciously.
I had given The Hubs the low down as to how we needed to go about this change and I explained about not changing the bedding and he looked at me funny and I explained the need for things to smell the same while she adjusted to the change. So he actually saw her smell her bedding. He told me, "Hey I saw her do that."
When her room gets messy because we haven't done well at picking up as we go I go in and clean it up and organize it while she is gone. When she comes in I show her that everything is where it belongs and we get back to working on 'things in their place' when we are done with them. She has trouble with organizational skills and she gets over whelmed with the mess. She isn't good at playing. It is uncomfortable to her. She seems lost and unsure what to do. She is just as impaired as children on the autism spectrum tend to be in this area but for different reasons. At this point in time Mr. Man has made loads more progress than she has in the area of play.
Back to the smelling ... I found that changing her sheets when she visited Grandma away from home was a big no no. The smell of clean sheets was unsettling and made the change and transition more difficult. The same thing applies when I clean up the room, I do not change the bedding because she finds great comfort in her bed. It is her safe spot.
And this room rearranging weekend got me to thinking about how different life is with children with traumatic backgrounds. And why it is so difficult when they enter into our lives. It took me a long long time to figure out something as small as changing the sheets on the bed was a huge upset to her.
That was the only change we sent her way this weekend. Otherwise we stayed home, half of us are sick anyway. We played quiet activities and she gravitated to the mini tramp A LOT. She didn't rage so as of right now I think we made it through this "project bed change" okay.
Ask me tomorrow.
I found a used bunk bed for a really good price and it was a perfect match for Miss Fabulous' room. Since she no likey change I never make a change with out consideration to how it is going to affect her and whether the change is worth the possible fall out. I addressed the change with her. Explained that her bed (meaning the mattress and sheets and animals and smells or scents) would all remain the same. I had hoped she would want to move to the top bunk but she did not so we skipped it.
It is not possible for Miss Fabulous to share a room with Big Sis all the time but it is possible for Big Sis to sleep on the top bunk from time to time and when we have company, we have that amount of stability at this time.
I was very careful about the transition. I gave her an activity to focus on but did not send her away from her room where we worked. I showed her how her things were all there and staying. She paced and entered and paced and entered and I made sure Dad and I worked as quickly as possible. She helped put the unwashed bedding back on her bed, now the bottom bunk. She immediately laid down and smelled her bed and rubbed the sheet, all very unconsciously.
I had given The Hubs the low down as to how we needed to go about this change and I explained about not changing the bedding and he looked at me funny and I explained the need for things to smell the same while she adjusted to the change. So he actually saw her smell her bedding. He told me, "Hey I saw her do that."
When her room gets messy because we haven't done well at picking up as we go I go in and clean it up and organize it while she is gone. When she comes in I show her that everything is where it belongs and we get back to working on 'things in their place' when we are done with them. She has trouble with organizational skills and she gets over whelmed with the mess. She isn't good at playing. It is uncomfortable to her. She seems lost and unsure what to do. She is just as impaired as children on the autism spectrum tend to be in this area but for different reasons. At this point in time Mr. Man has made loads more progress than she has in the area of play.
Back to the smelling ... I found that changing her sheets when she visited Grandma away from home was a big no no. The smell of clean sheets was unsettling and made the change and transition more difficult. The same thing applies when I clean up the room, I do not change the bedding because she finds great comfort in her bed. It is her safe spot.
And this room rearranging weekend got me to thinking about how different life is with children with traumatic backgrounds. And why it is so difficult when they enter into our lives. It took me a long long time to figure out something as small as changing the sheets on the bed was a huge upset to her.
That was the only change we sent her way this weekend. Otherwise we stayed home, half of us are sick anyway. We played quiet activities and she gravitated to the mini tramp A LOT. She didn't rage so as of right now I think we made it through this "project bed change" okay.
Ask me tomorrow.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Progress over time
Essie the accidental mommy had this post the other day and I could relate to it regarding our fabulous Miss M.
And just like that she covered up the dog, who had climbed into bed with her, with her own PJ's before she headed off to camp. BTW I don't know where that NY t-shirt came from but things tend to just appear around here.
This is a child who at one time was not safe with animals (unsupervised) and now she lovingly tucked in a 60 pound dog with HER PJ's before she left the house.
I want to take time to recognize the areas of progress because the areas of struggle are still so very hard.
There are some Mommies who have been having a rough patch with their hurting healing kids and my heart and thoughts are with them. I hesitated to post this next bit because I don't want to make anyone else's struggle at present more painful and frankly seeing where someone else's child did something positive can hurt when you feel like you are down in the muck with your own kid. I know. But ...
This is going in a frame and whenever she is giving us the business I am going to go and look at it!
This is a child who at one time was not safe with animals (unsupervised) and now she lovingly tucked in a 60 pound dog with HER PJ's before she left the house.
I want to take time to recognize the areas of progress because the areas of struggle are still so very hard.
There are some Mommies who have been having a rough patch with their hurting healing kids and my heart and thoughts are with them. I hesitated to post this next bit because I don't want to make anyone else's struggle at present more painful and frankly seeing where someone else's child did something positive can hurt when you feel like you are down in the muck with your own kid. I know. But ...
This is going in a frame and whenever she is giving us the business I am going to go and look at it!
It says, "I love you Mom and Dad. You are the nice people ever. I thank you, you are special to me." She took a long time writing this because she wanted to use her best hand writing and although I had to spell most all of the words for her I was not allowed to look at it until she was done. Precious.
The Hubs said, "Look at that, all positive colors there are hearts and a star and a smiley face!"
At our house stars mean Star Power - Stop, Take a breath, And Relax.
As Brenda says, "Never, Never Quit!"
Friday, May 28, 2010
Attachment Challenge
Here is the Challenge:
10 hugs a day
10 minutes of FUN attachment-inducing games (involving touch and/or eye contact)
20 minutes of doing something fun YOUR CHILD wants to do
Christine has issued this challenge and starting Saturday I am going to start tracking the progress. These are the most basic of things that need to be happening daily for a healing attaching child, and in my opinion they need to happen for any child daily. But do we always hit the mark? Well meaning yes but life gets busy and one child demands more strongly for attention than the next and the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
So it's a great reminder and I am going to play along.
Monday, May 17, 2010
You are my best comfort!
She had a major tantrum yesterday and assaulted The Hubs. She was banging on the sliding glass door because the other kids came in the house because she wasn't playing nicely. She got mad that they did not want to play with her anymore but doesn't seem to check into the reality that they don't want to play with her because she is not being nice. In her world she is simply being wronged and so she rages. As my fifth grader says, "Question mark?" Another question mark is why does she bang on the sliding glass door instead of just coming inside? It wasn't locked and no one told her to stay outside. My guess is the attention that she believes banging on the door draws. I was taking care of the boys and their bath so the Hubs was handling her tantrum. He directed her into the house because he wasn't comfortable with the door banging and was concerned she would hurt herself.
It all played out with in 20 minutes which is greatly improved from the hours this used to take.
She had asked for grilled cheese at lunch but I was making a quick lunch and told her to choose something else. At dinner I had more time and fixed grilled cheese. She would not eat her dinner. Question mark?
She is back to pulling out some major retro stuff in the RAD department. I'll be honest it makes me wonder how much has she healed and how much is a con artist at work that I fall for hook line and sinker? It's baffling and disconcerting.
But ... my Mr. has had some real up building comments for his Mama lately. Today he said that his behavior guy was his buddy and then he said that Daddy was his best buddy and then he said, "but you are my best comfort Mommy." I haven't found a way to bottle it yet but when I do I'll pass it on!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Sticks and Stones
may break my bones but words will never hurt me. I remember saying that as a kid. I wonder who came up with the phrase. Not enough to google it but still I wonder. It isn't true. Words can tear right through our heart. Words like, "I want my real mom!"
Yes the Fabulous Miss M hit below the belt today. She was on her way to her room for being inappropriate and I'll just leave it at that. She was angry.
She just woke up struggling today and I am not sure the reason why. Apparently thoughts of the past had come a knockin and her heart was hurting so she decided to hurt mine. It worked but my therapeutic Mom brain kicked in and we used it.
I went in and asked her why she wanted her real Mom? What is a real Mom?
She said a real Mom is the person that takes care of you "I guess". I asked her who took care of her and she said that I do.
We talked about a lot of things and something that she did seem to follow was the fact that we are her real parents because we have papers from a judge that say so. I brought out all of the kids birth certificates from the state. They all pretty much look the same and the wording is such that she can read it herself. Each child's name and then our names as the parents. I showed her that we have a special safe that we keep these papers in because they are important to us. She seemed to take it all in.
The fact is she is hurting today. Her hugs were stiff and fake, she had Chinese water torture on her radar today, she did a million and two things to push me away and yet try to remain in control of me and my attention.
We will get the train back on the tracks and keep on keeping on. A few days ago she was doing amazingly well and she has made a great amount of progress lately but it does tend to be 3 steps forward and 2 steps back and today we took a few steps back. Hopefully tomorrow we will once again be moving forward.
It was amazing to see Mr.'s reaction to what Miss M said to me. He had that shock face :-0 and said, "She must be trying to tell a joke or something. You are the real Mom!" He can give me a hard time in his own way but that kid has a sweet heart.
Yes the Fabulous Miss M hit below the belt today. She was on her way to her room for being inappropriate and I'll just leave it at that. She was angry.
She just woke up struggling today and I am not sure the reason why. Apparently thoughts of the past had come a knockin and her heart was hurting so she decided to hurt mine. It worked but my therapeutic Mom brain kicked in and we used it.
I went in and asked her why she wanted her real Mom? What is a real Mom?
She said a real Mom is the person that takes care of you "I guess". I asked her who took care of her and she said that I do.
We talked about a lot of things and something that she did seem to follow was the fact that we are her real parents because we have papers from a judge that say so. I brought out all of the kids birth certificates from the state. They all pretty much look the same and the wording is such that she can read it herself. Each child's name and then our names as the parents. I showed her that we have a special safe that we keep these papers in because they are important to us. She seemed to take it all in.
The fact is she is hurting today. Her hugs were stiff and fake, she had Chinese water torture on her radar today, she did a million and two things to push me away and yet try to remain in control of me and my attention.
We will get the train back on the tracks and keep on keeping on. A few days ago she was doing amazingly well and she has made a great amount of progress lately but it does tend to be 3 steps forward and 2 steps back and today we took a few steps back. Hopefully tomorrow we will once again be moving forward.
It was amazing to see Mr.'s reaction to what Miss M said to me. He had that shock face :-0 and said, "She must be trying to tell a joke or something. You are the real Mom!" He can give me a hard time in his own way but that kid has a sweet heart.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Progress
I love the picture that is now the header for the blog. The other picture is beautiful and classic but this picture captures each child so perfectly - Big Sis the little mother, The Fabulous Miss M wide eyed and a little unsure but smiling, Mr. C with his head phones tuning out the over stimulation and Lil Bro the ham! They are all so different and have unique needs that are at times difficult to meet but they are also a united group.
Tonight I had all 4 kids at bedtime routine time all on my own. We have made such progress. All 4 had their bath. Miss M had an issue at the start of bath time but pulled it together nicely and then asked to take her horses in the tub and she actually played like a regular kid. She scrubbed the tile with her sponge and combed her horses hair. She went to bed nicely and is sleeping soundly. In fact I went in to check on her and she did not startle awake with terrified eyes of confusion, she is asleep and peaceful.
It won't last, it can't. She is a person with mood disorder and she is growing so that just doesn't allow for constant stability but ... we are enjoying it while it is here and taking time to really look at where she has made progress.
She asked me one of those obvious questions that our kids ask. The I am going to try to push your Mom buttons right now because I don't want to do homework because I'd rather jump rope kind of question. I just reminded her that she was a smart kid and I knew that she already knew that answer and she said, "Oh yeah, never mind about that." It was kind of like she caught herself in what she was doing? But that was the end of that button pushing session. A year ago that would have simply been the "go" moment and a hundred obvious questions would have followed in the attempt to make me up set.
She is now able to wait for an apology from Mr. when he has hurt her feelings instead of getting angry and acting on that anger. She is going to be upset and mad but she cries and hears Mom say that she will have her apology in just a few minutes but that right at this moment we need to be patient while Mr. gets regulated and back in control of his brain. Amazing!
Tonight I had all 4 kids at bedtime routine time all on my own. We have made such progress. All 4 had their bath. Miss M had an issue at the start of bath time but pulled it together nicely and then asked to take her horses in the tub and she actually played like a regular kid. She scrubbed the tile with her sponge and combed her horses hair. She went to bed nicely and is sleeping soundly. In fact I went in to check on her and she did not startle awake with terrified eyes of confusion, she is asleep and peaceful.
It won't last, it can't. She is a person with mood disorder and she is growing so that just doesn't allow for constant stability but ... we are enjoying it while it is here and taking time to really look at where she has made progress.
She asked me one of those obvious questions that our kids ask. The I am going to try to push your Mom buttons right now because I don't want to do homework because I'd rather jump rope kind of question. I just reminded her that she was a smart kid and I knew that she already knew that answer and she said, "Oh yeah, never mind about that." It was kind of like she caught herself in what she was doing? But that was the end of that button pushing session. A year ago that would have simply been the "go" moment and a hundred obvious questions would have followed in the attempt to make me up set.
She is now able to wait for an apology from Mr. when he has hurt her feelings instead of getting angry and acting on that anger. She is going to be upset and mad but she cries and hears Mom say that she will have her apology in just a few minutes but that right at this moment we need to be patient while Mr. gets regulated and back in control of his brain. Amazing!
Monday, May 10, 2010
We made it!
The day went very well. Mr. and Miss M hung in there without any major incident. It was interesting to watch both of them deal with things that came there way and to see them use the skills they have learned and to see where the right medications have given them the needed help to stabilize and bounce back.
We even survived Lil’ Bro’s Mickey Mouse ice cream head rolling off his cone and into the floor beside him. That was not a magical moment but we did manage to get another scoop of ice cream.
We drove like the wind at the speedway!
We had lunch at Lady and the Tramp - Tony’s Restaurant. It was a really nice meal and all the kids enjoyed it and behaved. The kids were thrilled with the parade and the marching band that played outside. In fact when asked what her favorite parts of the day were Miss M explained, “I liked seeing the princesses, the parade and the marching band and I liked eating.”
The carousel ride was nearly a problem but we made it through and at any rate we got to go round and round for 32 seconds after standing in line for 45 minutes. Totally worth the wait – NOT!
When asked what was his favorite part of the day Mr. answered, “Shopping!” Now that’s a boy that’s been raised right!
The Hubs and I discussed the day and it is never easy with Mr. and Miss but for them they did great. Our last ride of the day was the riverboat ride. It was a difficult wait in line. Mr. was crumbling, Miss M cried, then there was the fake tarantula issue, Big Sis had a “why do these kids have to ruin my life” moment, but all and all we came through it okay. MP3 player, magic gum, replacing certain little ones more strategically and voila we survived.
At that point we knew that the little ones were toast and it was time to move toward leaving. We headed to the front entrance, stopped by a shop so that Lil Bro could get his goodie, Big Sis had to potty the second we arrived so she and Nan went and took care of that, Lil Bro had a melt down because he wanted a $72 train set to which Mom said no, Big Sis bought a stuffed Dalmatian dog because heaven knows we do not have enough stuffed toys in our house, kissed The Hubs and Big Sis who were going to stay on at the park, we headed for the tram, we headed the wrong way and then had to figure out how to get to where we needed to be, we got to were we needed to be and then got on the tram, we sat down happy to finally be sitting and Nan asks “Do you have your keys to the van?” Nope. Who does? The Hubs. Where is he? In the park. Where are we? Now circling the globe on a Disney Tram with 3 kids who have had enough of this good time.
We got the keys from The Hubs via the help of Disney staff. Got back on the tram and … The Fabulous Miss M has to potty right this very second. I told her that I understood and that as soon as there was a potty Mommy would take her potty. “But I have to pee NOWWWWWWWWWW!” Roger that but Mom does not have a potty. “But I am going to pee my pants and I don’t want to pee my pants.” Just do the best you can. “But I feel a drip!” It will be okay. “No it won’t you will be mad at me if I pee my pants!” At this point tears are welling up in her eyes and she is hanging on to that slippery slop by a finger nail. I told her that I would not be mad but even if I were mad what would that mean? What would Mom do if she were mad?
She just looked at me blankly as if she didn’t know. Her brain was in another place and time I think. No one gets punished around here for peeing their pants and they never have so what is going on in that head? I dunno but that question brought her back to reality. She held it and as soon as we got off that tram Mama hunted down a potty and that kid went and went and went. I was like high five for holding that kid o!
They were looking forward to some pool time at the motel but our trip around the globe had clearly stole our time. The stomachs took over and they all made the choice to get in the pool in the morning instead. I cannot begin to describe what a level of progress this is. No one had a melt down over this issue. They all ate their dinner (I use that term loosely) and then fell asleep on Mom’s bed.
The room was a nice set up and I could not believe how cheap it was, really good find. It wasn’t the Hilton but it was clean and awesome for an economy hotel. Miss M and Big Sis had bunk beds and Nan had the single bed next to them and the boys slept in the big bed with Mom and Dad.
The look of anxiety, what is this going to be all about?
We even survived Lil’ Bro’s Mickey Mouse ice cream head rolling off his cone and into the floor beside him. That was not a magical moment but we did manage to get another scoop of ice cream.
We drove like the wind at the speedway!
We had lunch at Lady and the Tramp - Tony’s Restaurant. It was a really nice meal and all the kids enjoyed it and behaved. The kids were thrilled with the parade and the marching band that played outside. In fact when asked what her favorite parts of the day were Miss M explained, “I liked seeing the princesses, the parade and the marching band and I liked eating.”
The carousel ride was nearly a problem but we made it through and at any rate we got to go round and round for 32 seconds after standing in line for 45 minutes. Totally worth the wait – NOT!
When asked what was his favorite part of the day Mr. answered, “Shopping!” Now that’s a boy that’s been raised right!
The Hubs and I discussed the day and it is never easy with Mr. and Miss but for them they did great. Our last ride of the day was the riverboat ride. It was a difficult wait in line. Mr. was crumbling, Miss M cried, then there was the fake tarantula issue, Big Sis had a “why do these kids have to ruin my life” moment, but all and all we came through it okay. MP3 player, magic gum, replacing certain little ones more strategically and voila we survived.
Miss M did not want to be in this shot, she was having a moment. Not a problem.
Hooray, all smiles! (Notice the shirt? We felt it only fair for folks to be warned in advance.)
At that point we knew that the little ones were toast and it was time to move toward leaving. We headed to the front entrance, stopped by a shop so that Lil Bro could get his goodie, Big Sis had to potty the second we arrived so she and Nan went and took care of that, Lil Bro had a melt down because he wanted a $72 train set to which Mom said no, Big Sis bought a stuffed Dalmatian dog because heaven knows we do not have enough stuffed toys in our house, kissed The Hubs and Big Sis who were going to stay on at the park, we headed for the tram, we headed the wrong way and then had to figure out how to get to where we needed to be, we got to were we needed to be and then got on the tram, we sat down happy to finally be sitting and Nan asks “Do you have your keys to the van?” Nope. Who does? The Hubs. Where is he? In the park. Where are we? Now circling the globe on a Disney Tram with 3 kids who have had enough of this good time.
We got the keys from The Hubs via the help of Disney staff. Got back on the tram and … The Fabulous Miss M has to potty right this very second. I told her that I understood and that as soon as there was a potty Mommy would take her potty. “But I have to pee NOWWWWWWWWWW!” Roger that but Mom does not have a potty. “But I am going to pee my pants and I don’t want to pee my pants.” Just do the best you can. “But I feel a drip!” It will be okay. “No it won’t you will be mad at me if I pee my pants!” At this point tears are welling up in her eyes and she is hanging on to that slippery slop by a finger nail. I told her that I would not be mad but even if I were mad what would that mean? What would Mom do if she were mad?
She just looked at me blankly as if she didn’t know. Her brain was in another place and time I think. No one gets punished around here for peeing their pants and they never have so what is going on in that head? I dunno but that question brought her back to reality. She held it and as soon as we got off that tram Mama hunted down a potty and that kid went and went and went. I was like high five for holding that kid o!
They were looking forward to some pool time at the motel but our trip around the globe had clearly stole our time. The stomachs took over and they all made the choice to get in the pool in the morning instead. I cannot begin to describe what a level of progress this is. No one had a melt down over this issue. They all ate their dinner (I use that term loosely) and then fell asleep on Mom’s bed.
The room was a nice set up and I could not believe how cheap it was, really good find. It wasn’t the Hilton but it was clean and awesome for an economy hotel. Miss M and Big Sis had bunk beds and Nan had the single bed next to them and the boys slept in the big bed with Mom and Dad.
It was an awesome day and many happy memories were made! Thanks for sharing it with us!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Gone Daddy Gone
The Hubs and Big Sis went on a Kayak trip this weekend with another Dad and his son and the son's friend. They had a nice time and now I am so planning a weekend get away with Big Sis!
The little kids did very well this weekend. Mr. and Miss do better when Big Sis is not an option. It seems that they no longer view the other as competition but rather, all there is. Interesting how the dynamics affect how any given child may do with situations and issues at hand.
And ... the med dose increase is most definitely given the Fabulous Miss M her bounce back, back. We had really good progress from Oct. to Jan. with no rage outburst and then Jan. started to turn into Feb. which was heading toward March Madness and the rages made their return to the tune of once or twice a week. Still better than 2 and 3 times in a day but also still not much fun.
I was reading a post on another Mom's blog about kids with RAD who are also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I really appreciated that post and it's info and it definitely supports what we have seen with Miss M.
We were kind of in this weird-o holding pattern regarding attachment progress until we were able to find the right meds to help the mood disorder. The issues themselves that have come from trauma and neglect and and and ... are still there but the things that we are doing to help her actually seem to help her when her brain is functioning at a more normal rate.
She handled Dad and Big Sis not being home this weekend. She was able to express that she didn't like that they were not there and that she missed them. Lil Bro is helping by acting as a tiny theaputic person. He does not like it when Mom leaves even to go to the store. He is smart and has amazing social skills and is able to initiate roll play that helps him work through those feelings. In play with dolls or sometimes a stuffed animal (this weekend it was bunnies) he says,
"Bunny baby sad because Mommy Bunny gone. It okay Baby Bunny, Mommy Bunny always come back.
But I want her and I cry and I miss her.
But Mommy always come back and Daddy Bunny and Nanny Bunny takes care of you. Everybody takes care of you.
Mommy always comes back."
I noticed the dialog coming from Miss M during play was more positive again this weekend. She definitely has picked up some of Lil Bro's self comforting message. I was able to go to the store and come back without her having a meltdown. Progress!
The little kids did very well this weekend. Mr. and Miss do better when Big Sis is not an option. It seems that they no longer view the other as competition but rather, all there is. Interesting how the dynamics affect how any given child may do with situations and issues at hand.
And ... the med dose increase is most definitely given the Fabulous Miss M her bounce back, back. We had really good progress from Oct. to Jan. with no rage outburst and then Jan. started to turn into Feb. which was heading toward March Madness and the rages made their return to the tune of once or twice a week. Still better than 2 and 3 times in a day but also still not much fun.
I was reading a post on another Mom's blog about kids with RAD who are also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I really appreciated that post and it's info and it definitely supports what we have seen with Miss M.
We were kind of in this weird-o holding pattern regarding attachment progress until we were able to find the right meds to help the mood disorder. The issues themselves that have come from trauma and neglect and and and ... are still there but the things that we are doing to help her actually seem to help her when her brain is functioning at a more normal rate.
She handled Dad and Big Sis not being home this weekend. She was able to express that she didn't like that they were not there and that she missed them. Lil Bro is helping by acting as a tiny theaputic person. He does not like it when Mom leaves even to go to the store. He is smart and has amazing social skills and is able to initiate roll play that helps him work through those feelings. In play with dolls or sometimes a stuffed animal (this weekend it was bunnies) he says,
"Bunny baby sad because Mommy Bunny gone. It okay Baby Bunny, Mommy Bunny always come back.
But I want her and I cry and I miss her.
But Mommy always come back and Daddy Bunny and Nanny Bunny takes care of you. Everybody takes care of you.
Mommy always comes back."
I noticed the dialog coming from Miss M during play was more positive again this weekend. She definitely has picked up some of Lil Bro's self comforting message. I was able to go to the store and come back without her having a meltdown. Progress!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
What was my first name?
It is interesting how things fall into place. Honestly the therapist bringing this all up made me feel ill and kind of anxious. There is that Mommy part of me that just wants her to suddenly be a okay one day and have miraculously moved past it all. I don’t want her to have to deal with the past and I’d love to think she doesn’t remember it. But I know that isn’t reality. At the very least she has emotional memory of what happened.
She was not aware of that conversation; she was not in the house. This week on the ride home from school she asked her grandma, “What was my first name?” Nan was caught off guard and didn’t really know what to say to that kind of question. She asked what she meant and Miss said, “My first name, from before, what was it?” Nan told her that her name was M and left it at that. The fact is we did not change her birth name only how it is spelled so her name has always been M.
That night she had a bad dream. I know that I heard her crying the way she does when she is scared or hurt. I went into her room and she appeared sound asleep and wasn’t crying but she was all sweaty and she just didn’t look okay so I tried to wake her. She actually was really deep in sleep and would not wake up but she hit me and was in fight mode. I tried again to wake her and when I couldn’t I thought it best to just let her sleep.
There had been some other behaviors showing up, the kind I don’t talk about here that were also clueing me in that something was up with her. The following night when I put her to bed she asked for some yogurt because it is just her thing and she always wants something else to eat and we work with it. Ya know. So when I came in with the yogurt she was half asleep and when I touched her arm she jumped like she always does, like she is going to come out of her skin. That triggered me to think about the bad dream the night before so I asked her. “You had a bad dream last night huh?” She looked at me with those ‘why do you about this’ eyes and said yes. I asked her what the bad dream was about and she said, “I don’t know” with those I am not going to talk about it eyes. So I said, “Oh okay.” And then I said, “Is this the I don’t know like you really don’t remember or the I don’t know when you really don’t want to talk about it?” Isn’t it funny how we learn to talk to our kids over years of practice? So she said, “The I don’t want to talk about it kind.”
So I asked some general specifics about the dream, all the while I am feeding her yogurt like a baby. I had my no big deal demeanor on. The bottom line was she does remember and so we will be moving forward through therapy to help her process things.
I assured her that nothing can ever make me stop loving her and that I will always keep her safe. She nodded yes. I gave her big hugs and cuddles and she went to sleep soon after. She slept well.
Parenthood is such an enormous job and I honestly never knew I would have to do this kind of parenting. That I would have to try to be the link between another human being able to escape their past or being consumed by it. That I would have to learn to love past all the mind numbing Chinese torture tactics, the pee, the poop, the puke, the line of sight for safety sake 24 stinking 7 all the while trying to be what I must be for my other children and my spouse.
I could not have imagined that so much damage could have been done to a person by the time they were 2-years-old.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Perspective
The Best of The Best in Logistics - sometimes life is just how we choose to see it I guess.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Is This Healing Funny?
This post is so well stated by Christine!
Healing is funny when your 6-year-old who as had a problem with taking things that aren’t her’s comes home and proudly announces, "I do have candy today but I did not steal it." Big smiles of pride!
Okay super! Way to not steal today sweetie!
And that’s one to grow on!
Healing is funny when your 6-year-old who as had a problem with taking things that aren’t her’s comes home and proudly announces, "I do have candy today but I did not steal it." Big smiles of pride!
Okay super! Way to not steal today sweetie!
And that’s one to grow on!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The Little Things
I am so amazed at this healing process. I am amazed to watch this little girl let go of the fear and anger and trust her family, and love her family.
Honestly I had resigned myself to the fact that she would likely never truly love us, love me. I was at peace with that and I loved her anyway. I accepted that she did not have to love me or her family, that was never a requirement. I was content with the fact that she was safe and that as her Mom I would do my personal best to get her the help she needed and if ultimately she did not accept the help or respond to the help I could be content with having done my best and loving her no matter who she became. I was scared of who she was going to become because many times I was already scared of who she was. There was a dark anger with in her and she was not looking to let go of it or to get away from it it was where she felt the most safe, or seemed to. I used to count the years until she was an adult, like a prison sentence. 15 more years, 14 more years, 13 more years, 12 more years ... at times I questioned my ability to make it through the remaining years of my sentence with my sanity in tact.
One day at a time became one minute at a time and how many minutes until back up will arrive? Can I keep her safe until her Dad gets here? Can I keep her from hurting herself or the other kids? How will I explain to the school that she hurt herself? The child they see as perfect has nearly bitten through her own arm. What's going to happen when they don't believe me? One minute at a time ... how many minutes until someone else can get here, someone that can back me up?
And then she started to heal.
And last night the little girl who used to lurk in the dark places of her mind sat in the floor playing with dolls like a normal kid. Maybe only RAD parents will get how big that is because RAD kids don't play. They reenact trauma with toys but they don't play. She sat near me but was paying no attention to me or what I was doing sat with these dolls ...
Honestly I had resigned myself to the fact that she would likely never truly love us, love me. I was at peace with that and I loved her anyway. I accepted that she did not have to love me or her family, that was never a requirement. I was content with the fact that she was safe and that as her Mom I would do my personal best to get her the help she needed and if ultimately she did not accept the help or respond to the help I could be content with having done my best and loving her no matter who she became. I was scared of who she was going to become because many times I was already scared of who she was. There was a dark anger with in her and she was not looking to let go of it or to get away from it it was where she felt the most safe, or seemed to. I used to count the years until she was an adult, like a prison sentence. 15 more years, 14 more years, 13 more years, 12 more years ... at times I questioned my ability to make it through the remaining years of my sentence with my sanity in tact.
One day at a time became one minute at a time and how many minutes until back up will arrive? Can I keep her safe until her Dad gets here? Can I keep her from hurting herself or the other kids? How will I explain to the school that she hurt herself? The child they see as perfect has nearly bitten through her own arm. What's going to happen when they don't believe me? One minute at a time ... how many minutes until someone else can get here, someone that can back me up?
And then she started to heal.
And last night the little girl who used to lurk in the dark places of her mind sat in the floor playing with dolls like a normal kid. Maybe only RAD parents will get how big that is because RAD kids don't play. They reenact trauma with toys but they don't play. She sat near me but was paying no attention to me or what I was doing sat with these dolls ...
and the little girl doll asked the Mommy doll (btw I love that it's the white Mom!)
"Mommy can I do so and so" and the Mommy doll said "Sure sweet heart I love you."
And it wasn't for anyone else's benefit or fake it was simply a healing child playing with her dolls.
And it don't get any better than that!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Walking the Road to Healing
Today we went on a hike as a family. I will be honest when these hikes started it was simply an activity that did not cost anything and got Miss M out of the house and moving. I did not realize the therapeutic benefit, one of the pluses to asking for God's direction and receiving it, obviously he knew the benefit in advance. But I was thinking about it today as we walked through this amazing place. We trudge along a dirt path through the woods where we don't see other people or anything but nature and each other. The noises are of little streams and twigs snapping under our feet and the sounds of each other.
When Miss M started taking these hikes she was terrified, we thought of creatures in the woods and the unknown, but maybe for a kid that is learning to attach she was afraid of us. Tromping along with nobody but her family, a RAD kid's enemy. Maybe those hikes spoke to her in ways words could not.
Little by little over the past year she became more confident, more in sync with her family as she walked along these paths. Sometimes the 3 year old leads, sometimes Mom or Dad, sometimes Miss M or Big Sis or Mr but it doesn't seem to matter because the point is we are all together and we have this unspoken way of keeping track of each other and making sure each other is in sight and okay.
When Miss M started taking these hikes she was terrified, we thought of creatures in the woods and the unknown, but maybe for a kid that is learning to attach she was afraid of us. Tromping along with nobody but her family, a RAD kid's enemy. Maybe those hikes spoke to her in ways words could not.
Little by little over the past year she became more confident, more in sync with her family as she walked along these paths. Sometimes the 3 year old leads, sometimes Mom or Dad, sometimes Miss M or Big Sis or Mr but it doesn't seem to matter because the point is we are all together and we have this unspoken way of keeping track of each other and making sure each other is in sight and okay.
This moss covered tree root looks like a person laying face down with their arms crossed.
Look at that smile! We are seeing positive improvement with the new med!
These trees display the evidence of where they were damaged in the hurricanes 5 years ago.
But their little saplings are non the wiser of their trauma.
I love that smile.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Weekend Report
The weekend has been busy.
Miss M is definitely more regulated than ever before and has a noticeable bounce back feature that used to be non-existent. She got upset about taking a bath Saturday, didn't want to wash the hair, ya know. She started the banshee scream and I thought well here we go, 8 weeks later and we are finally going to get the wham-o. I cleared the area and a few minutes later Dad went in and made the announcement that when she was calm Mom would come in and help her with her hair. It took a few minutes but she calmed down and I went in and asked, "Are you ready for Mom to help you with your hair?" She nodded yes and we moved forward. She immediately wanted to say sorry for her behavior and I commented on how quickly she had come back into control of her behavior and that was good.
Mr. is quite simply a kid on the autism spectrum who is struggling right now with all the change we experience during this time of the year. On one hand he likes the break from school and being at home more, he is really affectionate and gives Mom hugs and cuddles regularly and tells me how much he loves me and sticks his nose in my hair and says, "I like smelling you, you smell like Mommy." Precious right?
On the other hand the break from school is breaking from routine and that is difficult for those on the Autism Spectrum, so we are struggling right now. As his CBA put it we are back to square one with Mr. C. Our main focus is to get him to use calming techniques and anytime he is upset and does not assault someone or destroy property this is a positive outcome.
Saturday we went to the local zoo. Miss M had some disappointment when we did not go where she thought we should go first, the playground. It was interesting that she started to have a tantrum, she stomped her foot and crossed her arms and just as quick turned it off and moved forward with the group. I did notice that she became passive aggressive with some really minor stuff after that. She asked to put her shoes on and go play at the animal care station with Big Sis. I put her shoes on for her and she went over there for exactly 30 seconds and then came back and jumped in the indoor sand pit with her shoes on. It is really obvious that everyone has to take their shoes off even the babies understand to take their shoes off and she has been there a hundred times so she definitely knows that there are no shoes in the sand pit. I directed her to kick the sand off her shoes and come on out because there are no shoes allowed in the sand pit and we were getting ready to leave (so it did not warrant taking shoes off and starting all over). She did that big smirky smile as she knocked the sand off her shoes and then turned around and jumped right back in the sand pit. I said, "Nice jump, come take a sit down with Mom for a few minutes." To which the smirk turned to ticked off face. There were several other accidental on purpose things but all in all no biggy.
Here are some pics from the day and the new header pic is from the day also and the updated side photos of the kids. I really love the old header pic but I thought this one was good also.
I love how they are in sync step for step.
Winter Florida Style
The Sand Pit
The Play Area at the Zoo closed so we improvised.
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