The Crew - Miss Fabulous, Lil Bro, Big Sis and Mr. Man

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

The Little Things

I am so amazed at this healing process.  I am amazed to watch this little girl let go of the fear and anger and trust her family, and love her family.

Honestly I had resigned myself to the fact that she would likely never truly love us, love me.  I was at peace with that and I loved her anyway.  I accepted that she did not have to love me or her family, that was never a requirement.  I was content with the fact that she was safe and that as her Mom I would do my personal best to get her the help she needed and if ultimately she did not accept the help or respond to the help I could be content with having done my best and loving her no matter who she became.  I was scared of who she was going to become because many times I was already scared of who she was.  There was a dark anger with in her and she was not looking to let go of it or to get away from it it was where she felt the most safe, or seemed to.  I used to count the years until she was an adult, like a prison sentence.  15 more years, 14 more years, 13 more years, 12 more years  ... at times I questioned my ability to make it through the remaining years of my sentence with my sanity in tact. 

One day at a time became one minute at a time and how many minutes until back up will arrive?  Can I keep her safe until her Dad gets here?  Can I keep her from hurting herself or the other kids?  How will I explain to the school that she hurt herself?  The child they see as perfect has nearly bitten through her own arm.  What's going to happen when they don't believe me?  One minute at a time ... how many minutes until someone else can get here, someone that can back me up? 

And then she started to heal. 

And last night the little girl who used to lurk in the dark places of her mind sat in the floor playing with dolls like a normal kid.  Maybe only RAD parents will get how big that is because RAD kids don't play.  They reenact trauma with toys but they don't play.  She sat near me but was paying no attention to me or what I was doing sat with these dolls ...

and the little girl doll asked the Mommy doll (btw I love that it's the white Mom!)

"Mommy can I do so and so" and the Mommy doll said "Sure sweet heart I love you."

And it wasn't for anyone else's benefit or fake it was simply a healing child playing with her dolls. 

And it don't get any better than that!


jessica bear said...

That gave me chills! How proud you must have been!

SanitySrchr said...

Seemingly trivial successes are major milestones!! Great job! You are a wonderful parent!

Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

AHA! That no- playing stuff just stunned me. In all my years with other peoples kids, we could always play something. Not Genea, for at least a year and a half she could not play. She could pace in front of her toys. She could pull them out and apart, she could move them around, but not play.
Awesome story! How wonderful!!!!

Mom 4 Kids said...

I know Essie, the child is 6 and a half and she is just beginning to learn to play. It blows my mind! So sad, but thankfully she is getting there!

And Jess you bet I am way proud of this kid. The old you can lead a horse to water bit. So many of these kids never make the choice to drink despite all that their parents do. I am thrilled she has learned to trust and to love. Slow journey but she is heading in the right direction.

Sanity, very true - major milestone for sure!

MomInTheTrench said...

You have so nailed it. I sometimes have a hard time putting into words what is so different about a child with RAD. I just know there are so many things "off". They don't play. You are right. I was actually thinking about blogging that today with pictures of my son's toys all lined up. Maybe I will. . .

And maybe one day I'll be able to blog this tremendous success you are experiencing right now. It is nothing short of amazing. Congratulations!

The LaBelle Family said...

Oh, now you've made me cry. It's a happy cry...for you and for your little girl, who loves you and is healing and moving forward as part of a complete, loving family. Hooray for all of you! May Jah continue to bless your fine efforts and endurance. :)

J. said...

yeah for play, yeah for moving along and healing.