Honestly I had resigned myself to the fact that she would likely never truly love us, love me. I was at peace with that and I loved her anyway. I accepted that she did not have to love me or her family, that was never a requirement. I was content with the fact that she was safe and that as her Mom I would do my personal best to get her the help she needed and if ultimately she did not accept the help or respond to the help I could be content with having done my best and loving her no matter who she became. I was scared of who she was going to become because many times I was already scared of who she was. There was a dark anger with in her and she was not looking to let go of it or to get away from it it was where she felt the most safe, or seemed to. I used to count the years until she was an adult, like a prison sentence. 15 more years, 14 more years, 13 more years, 12 more years ... at times I questioned my ability to make it through the remaining years of my sentence with my sanity in tact.
One day at a time became one minute at a time and how many minutes until back up will arrive? Can I keep her safe until her Dad gets here? Can I keep her from hurting herself or the other kids? How will I explain to the school that she hurt herself? The child they see as perfect has nearly bitten through her own arm. What's going to happen when they don't believe me? One minute at a time ... how many minutes until someone else can get here, someone that can back me up?
And then she started to heal.
And last night the little girl who used to lurk in the dark places of her mind sat in the floor playing with dolls like a normal kid. Maybe only RAD parents will get how big that is because RAD kids don't play. They reenact trauma with toys but they don't play. She sat near me but was paying no attention to me or what I was doing sat with these dolls ...
and the little girl doll asked the Mommy doll (btw I love that it's the white Mom!)
"Mommy can I do so and so" and the Mommy doll said "Sure sweet heart I love you."
And it wasn't for anyone else's benefit or fake it was simply a healing child playing with her dolls.
And it don't get any better than that!