So this dark cloud was over my house this evening and ...
it kind of summed up the day, frankly the week.
I try to see the positive in our situation, in raising children with special needs. I guess I am probably better at that when their special needs don't team up in the same week. I had a really down day today. I thought about that movie "As good as it gets" and realized I was kind of there mentally myself. It really feels like we go round and round with the issues that affect Miss M. The chemical imbalance part of things is better under control. She is not as dangerous now when she is angry as she was months ago. Like when she clobbered the therapist that was trying to help her during a fit of rage. She has more control than that right now. But still life is very difficult and complicated with a child like Miss M and the reality of that, "what if this is as good as it gets?" hit me like a freight train today. Some days are just like that.
Add to that our Little Professor who is on the autism spectrum and just not doing well at this time and I am a frazzled Mommy. His aggression issues are up and down right now. Some days or parts of some days he seems to be doing better and having better control with his aggression. His impulsive behavior is off the charts, racing thoughts, anxiety, fear, etc. are all very problematic right now. One day this week he told his Dad "When I close my eyes I can see my thoughts." He was very anxious when he said it. He has "bad thoughts" that he can't make go away and that makes him very fearful.
Their issues are also our issues to deal with, cope with, parent through. I have felt very overwhelmed this week. I have wondered can I really be all I need to be for Big Sis who is now 10 and seems to need me more than ever and Little Bro who also needs me, all the while helping our special needs kids through childhood and their special challenges. I did not set out on this journey knowing what I was taking on and so I do the best I can as it comes my way and when I think forward to the future I hope that it will have been enough. I guess that is what we all do as parents.