The Crew - Miss Fabulous, Lil Bro, Big Sis and Mr. Man

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Feed Back Follow Up

Thanks Jules for the question! 

You might remember the Feedback post where I mentioned that Miss M's teacher had written I love you on her school work.  Me and Dad were not cool with it.  We did go and have a meeting with Mrs. Teacher who claimed to not be aware of Miss M's history (read the file lady cause it is in there).  At any rate the meeting went well and long.  Dad mentioned the I love you on the paper and how saying that to Miss M made it that much worse when the school year ended, that it brought up abandonment issues for Miss M.  She said, "Oh" with an I don't think you know what you are talking about expression. 

At any rate we had made her aware of our concerns and Miss M's issues.  No playing the 'I didn't know' card.  Shortly there after Miss M was found to be bullying other children in the aftercare program.  She was threatening them and making false allegations against them if they did not do what she told them to do.  Aftercare had difficulty believing our warnings until it hit them between the eyes.  People believe what they see, it's human nature.  When a child is very good at being charming to your face and making you feel like you are the best caregiver known to the free world, you the caregiver tend to buy it.  We seem to get the reaction that people think we are well meaning but misguided regarding Miss M.  Until she pulls her stuff on them and then they go "oh that's what her parents were talking about."

For instance today in aftercare my 6 and a half year old daughter looked the aftercare giver dead in the eyes and pee'd all over everything.  The director said, "She looked right at me, opened her legs and pee'd all over everything." 

Now I will say that I have a child who does not have RAD and that child does have a medical issue related to wetting accidents.  Wears pull-ups at night, has had wetting accidents at school every year accept this year (so far) and it is NOT an intentional happening.  This child is mortified when it happens, has bladder spasms and once the bladder spasms hit that child needs to get to the toilet in exactly NOW or wet clothes will commence.  But Miss M can hold it from now till the end of time if she wants to.  Great control.  So when she pee's her pants she has an agenda and is making a statement.  I am hoping that it has nothing to do with me or home life and that she will let the folks at aftercare figure out what's bugging her.

As for Mrs. Teacher she is slowly getting a clue.  She is a nice person and has been teaching for a while and as such seems to think she has been there and done that and knows it all.  I am sure on most accounts that is true.  But my little sweetie is not your typical been there and done that kind of kid.  The "I Love You" notes on the paper have recently turned into "Not Your Best Work" and some frowny faces.  Let's see it's November and we are closing in on mid-year, yeah that's about right on time.

Miss M does have some legitimate learning issues but...she also has the "I'll do it my way and feel in control" syndrome.  She will make lots of on purpose mistakes (things we all know she has already mastered) or she will do the paper perfectly and then stick it down in her backpack and not turn it in for a grade.  I don't say a word to her.  I do however put it in her folder to the teacher with a note that says, "Mrs. Teacher I found this paper in Miss M's backpack with no marks on it.  Wasn't sure if you had the chance to take a look at it yet."  Big smiley face. :-)

So Jules thanks for the comment!  I'd say we are a work in progress!


Jeri said...

I had just come back from NY and our disastrous "respite" trip so I missed that I Love You post. Absolutely not should a teacher EVER write on a child's paper anything other than positive comments pertaining to the work or suggestions to improve the work. Have I ever said I Love You to a, but I have said,"Me too." after they said it to me. This was before RAD came into my life. When one of the two children recently adopted (like a month before) from Kazakhstan started making such comments to me, my reply changed to,"Sweetie, your love is for your Mama and Papa and your brother but I am so glad that you are happy to be in my class. I am so happy that you are here too."

Mom 4 Kids said...

Jeri, that is a wonderful response that you made to the little person from Kazakhstan. So loving and kind yet supporting the attachment to their family by reinforcing where their love belongs.

I think it is natural to say "me too" if a child says that to you first. The writing it on a paper just blew me away and I am so glad that Dad and I are on the same page with parenting and especially our little Miss M. He said, "absolutely not is this okay, we have come too far with this child for some no it all armchair analyst to mess things up." I didn't like how things have turned into frowny faces. Make comments on where she needs to improve and practice but frowny face communicates, "I am not happy with YOU." At least I fear it does to Miss M.

Oh if only you were Miss M teacher! Glorious!

We are so blessed with Mr. C's teacher she is absolutely wonderful. He has extreme fears regarding bugs, spiders especially. The class does a Spanish language enrichment program on Wednesday. Long story short when we let her know that some visual images in the program were scaring him and so he did not want to go to school on Wednesdays she had him go to another class during that time. He draws in the other class (which is a 2nd grade class) and they make a big deal about what an artist he is. In addition I think we have his 2nd grade teacher worked out because she loves him!

All we had requested was that he move to the back of the class and face away from the program. This is a much better option for Mr. C and his teacher knew that.

Jules said...

I somehow missed this post, apologies! I'm glad to hear you guys were able to meet with the teacher and explain your concerns. So as far as the peeing thing -- what happens when you ask her to clean up after herself?

Mom 4 Kids said...

The big pee clean up was not a big deal, we put it all in the washer and that was that. The aftercare had already bagged the wet clothes. They had left her in her sopping wet socks and shoes, ewwww. But I guess they did not have an extra pair of those. So those soaked in a vinegar water bucket over night and then went to the washing machine. None of that was a problem for Miss M. Now that her defiance is much improved, in reality she likes to do work and to clean.

The poopy pants are where we have Miss M take the vinegar water bucket and the scrub brush and she scrubs the pants in the tub just before her own bath. We make it a not big deal kind of a situation, "Good job being responsible to clean up your mess sweetie." And we move on to normal routine.

Like I said we are a work in progress. :-)